Inspired.

Lascaux CavesThere was a time in my old myspace blog - yearly, I'd write a long summation of me for new friends and people just curious as to "who" I am. The specifics on who I am is debatable. I'm not even sure at most times and get lost in the societal configuration of a role I've been forced to play for survival. I'm doubtful, insecure in my self condemnation and knowingly obnoxious about my vagina.

So- being inspired by a vintage act of a friend, here is my yearly.



Who I think you think I am : A bitch - a smart, mean spirited one.

Mostly truthful - the clincher though is you're an ignorant one who works diligently to hide behind smiles, and fake sentiments. I allow this because on a deep, mysterious level it makes me feel like an infant wrapped in a  warm, tight blanket. It pacifies me. It has long been understood by me that people who have the most to hide will put on the most grand of shows. They're the ones who work to extrodinary means to hide themselves. Surround themselves with friends, church and various support systems to maintain a well created costume of kindness. It's a morality fence... an ethics sticky note for them. It keeps people from doing things they'd otherwise do if no one was watching, or cared. The power of group conformity for those who'd do horrible unspeakable acts if given free reign has great protections... as long as diverse. If it lacks diversity then it has potential for atrocity that is worthy of a cave drawing, and writing on papyrus ... :)

Religion is a good example.

Moving on:

I'm mentally debilitating; verbally rude; challenging to authority. I'm slowly developing into an anarchist of sorts. Maybe. I suppose I've always been a quasi -anarchist- of- sort, some friends have pointed that out for well over 20 years. I dismiss this - I will label myself, so fuck you, you can't. Currently my labels are blank due to fluctuation in my views. 

I'm also called a neopragmatist, a critical realist, critical naturalist and several others from time to time. Depends on the subject in which we discuss ... I'm anti-religion, anti-theist and what's called a firebrand atheist - I will confront or heckle you for believing in magic and the extreme absurdity of deity worship in modern times ... You cave crawlers with archaic beliefs are destroying the world one nation at a time ... So are the liberal radicals.. Making everything so politically correct that thought has become a crime and any word which could cause slight discomfort being banned; any food that gives the liberal vegans and like a pinch in their food moralistic asses will also be banned, as well as anything they determine to be unhealthy ... all for the greater good of man, of course.

I'm slightly harsh :)

I'm overly passionate- if there can be such a thing, to a starving child or person. I understand - while not understanding, why starvation exists in a world with an abundance of food and wealth. I understand - while not understanding, why war still exists. Why healthcare has to cost - shouldn't life be held to a higher regard? I think so - apparently others think money - a created currency, worth more. No one operates on life possessing intrinsic value ... it's all external to them. Time is measured by this currency as well - not by the acts of an empathetic people.

Sociopaths.


I think - a lot.

I'm poetic. I'll write cryptic thoughts - often clouded by my own emotions, which may or may not be justified.

I'll say I've grown and no longer "hate" a certain ex - that's a lie. I fucking "hate" that bastard. Still. If I ever go rogue serial killer - I'd take him out first. But even that's a lie.  

Poisoning the Well

This is what makes me cringe. It is when you have otherwise intelligent people stooping to mundane bullshit that's been repeated from every newbie atheist I've read over the last 20 years. Even managed to get in a "sky daddy" reference. These types of rebuttals or plays off Christian positions - or certain Christians, are not productive. They aren't created to chafe the theists - they are made to appease the atheist who needs to insult/belittle and make theists - who are doing what our cultures and civilizations has told them to do for thousands of years, feel ignorant or shamed.

They do truly think that if God were taught in schools that this wouldn't occur - but you can't show them the truth while leading them into defensive positions as a result of you demoralizing them. Insults served are opportunities to engage missed...

Leaving Atheism, 1 Corinthians 13:11

"When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways." 
When I say I'm leaving atheism this doesn't mean I'm a believer now. Far from belief, and it is not amendable. I'm leaving what has become a movement of malicious thought. I'm not alone in my purposeful removal. Atheists have become comfortable defining their atheism by constant attack or discussion of religion. Atheist parents pages and similar are nothing more than hateful dissection of posts by Christians on their pages. People who have let them peer into their world, belief systems and everyday life. They take these posts that I know are shared with much love, particularly ones regarding their love for their children, and they tear at this love. They twist meanings into perverted, menacing, and creepy ideas. They comment with cruel jokes and insults. Atheists aren't alone in this type of behavior - Christians, Muslims, etc, do same and even write me sadistic messages.

But I'm not a Christian, Muslim, etc... I'm a non believer. So when my "community" is not one I feel conducive to helping me grow mentally, emotionally as a wife, mother and woman, what use are they to me? I'm not a closeted atheist. I have paid the price of being a vocal atheist. I'm living my life - not defined by an atheism that has become a movement that mirrors the same behaviors as fanatical theists. I'm living a life that has many purposes and want none of them to be rooted in lack of compassion, fanaticism or zealotry. There is a political force within atheism - mainly left, that is harmful to intellectual inquiry and pursuit of truths. Surely the right has its flaws, but I'm not a conservative, or at least on many issues, so my concern is for the left, or the "new left." A new left that has become as close minded, historically illiterate and lacking intellectual competence as the right. In our journey to end racism, inequality, environmentalism, etc., we've become ignorant and disingenuous. Hateful. Racist. Intolerant. In our attempt to establish anti-racism we've promulgated the idea that skin pigment alone is a determination for privilege. That regardless of another beings ethnicity, religion, sex, sexual orientation, age, geographical location and the many filters of our various caste systems - white alone is a determination for privilege. Worse, we deny the reality of the many cultures around the globe and focus exclusively on America. We care more for "pure" crops than we do the humans who need the food. We care more for lions we never heard of prior, than we do the humans dying of hunger around them. Atheism is becoming more and more the movement of science denialism. We have extremists who silence inquiry. On the other side we have people who promote systems lacking compassion and economic inequality. People who hate.

So I'm leaving the movement. I'm leaving the communities. I'm quitting the blog I write under my alter ego. You have nothing to offer me that will nourish me as a human striving to be good. This doesn't mean I won't interact with other atheists - it means I won't accept childish, hateful, bigoted pages, forums etc., anymore in my feeds. 

C'est la vie

Torn apart
as a letter read
by an angry ex lover
who in a moment of emotional confrontation
just fucking loses all control.
I'm infantile like that at times.
I'm inward, drawn up tight into my intellectual cocoon.
It's fucking safe in here with all my thoughts of disassociation.
I can't always be amused by your disdain for my natural forte.
Sometimes I just need to hide - not from you, but from my exterior self.
You can't grasp what I never let you see - I've learned this skill as survival.
I excel at self deception and replication of the facade you most desire.
I'll destroy what you've come to love about me.
My predictability.