I appreciate her work - I do ... To some extent. Much like all things, moderation is key. Doing my best to keep from becoming and idiot- aka, ideological group thinking piece of recessive shit, I like to sift through the garbage before I digest ...

I care about my caloric mental intake.

I see several " Atlas Shrugged Day!!!! ... Are you fucking new? Are you still shiny? You're such ideological thinkers - how fucking depressing. You cling to her book and errant fanatical bullshit - Stiitchens fucks Freud, Frankenstein whack job ... like Christians who invoke the name of Christ for winning lottery tickets.

"Since my purpose is the presentation of an ideal man, I had to define and present the conditions which make him possible and which his existence requires. Since man’s character is the product of his premises, I had to define and present the kind of premises and values that create the character of an ideal man and motivate his actions; which means that I had to define and present a rational code of ethics. Since man acts among and deals with other men, I had to present the kind of social system that makes it possible for ideal men to exist and to function—a free, productive, rational system, which demands and rewards the best in every man, great or average, and which is, obviously, laissez-faire capitalism."

Her ideal man is a product of her imagination - not ones who exist in reality. Critical fucking thinking you dip-shits. She was in contradiction to the nature of mankind. It's one thing to appreciate a person works, for sure she was brilliant and major icon... But to be cognitively dissonant and proud is another. You waste your time on purely utopian nonsense. There has never been any evidence of man not being a strategic liar; usurper; deceitful or a host of other human ANIMAL behaviors. In fact most you promoting her ideals on human nature... exhibit them yourselves - lying. When have we ever accepted other cultures without being critical? What fucking examples do you have of her view of human nature? None.

They don't exist. Purely utopian. You have to invent the ideal man - as she did, from your fucking imagination.

People just need to get over my silence socially ... My life doesn't fucking revolve around groups of people who I dislike any damn way...How many times do I have to say that I don't get along with other females well? I can't stand 95% of the women I come in contact with - vapid mouthed & vacuous come to mind.

Empty vessels does too. 


No I don't want to go to parties and see good time friends - I
remember when shit was against the wall and no one wanted a thing to do with any of us ... Now it seems some of our asses are in the 'clique' with the same group of fucking people who probably ran their cocksuckers about you before. Most of them damn sure ran their mouths about me. Now-  everyone is all fucking chummy and glittered over with faux pleasantries and squishy words that amount to nothing in the end. In the end - cause it always comes the fuck back around - life is circular like that, those people will bail .. and your friends will still be around to pick you up and brush you off ...

So you can run back to the same damn crowd and immerse yourself in local fecal matter.

Bunch of the most damn rinse and repeat mother fuckers I've seen...

This is another reason why I don't go anywhere locally anymore ... Bunch of bullshit. I don't want to break bread with them - much less hang out around a fire with them. No amount of friendship can make me want to chill with a bunch of bigots and hypocrites, while making myself one.

Fuck that...I have my own source for that kinda hell.

Secondly - do you people come to my house? Do you break bread with me? Do you call me?


FUCK NO

I don't' even get so much as Facebook like on the pictures of my kids ... But let me not go to a party ... or come over when they 'summon' me ... and suddenly I'm shit.

Truth is - I'm tired of being the one to pat your backs; offer words; reach out; trying to boost you; trying to keep you lifted and being the one to be there when the leaches walk away after the beer or liquor is gone.

I can't even get a fucking phone call. Not even a "Happy Birthday" to my child.


So what's up Cat's ass?

Realization.

Realization that my friends come to my house; they call me; they care me about me at all times of my life...They make a fucking effort to be involved. Maybe you people who are upset - need to look at how much or if you're even involved in my life.

I ain't your goddamn party friend; good-time Jane...

I was your real friend - the one who didn't need to be fucking entertained by you.

Image by marsmet524 via Flickr

I'm in a blunt mood – I want cock. Lots of cock. I want to be like Julie Benningfield on Facebook, and say shit like, “I can't keep my husband out my pussy!”
I can't even get mine to take a short scenic walk by mine …

I don't hate him for that – after all we're married and fucking (minus the fucking part) weird. I'm ok with that for the most – but I want cock like fat women crave starches and a soft place to sit their fat asses.

As you can read – I'm clearly suffering from EVCS – Empty Vaginal Cavity Syndrome. Sex isn't everything – but it's something... something I think I should be thrown down and savaged with on occasion, to keep my demon quelled.

Nothing shuts me the hell up like a good hard fuck … blunt objects rule my world … on occasion.

Not to mention it helps me sleep. Why would you be married to me and want me awake? Even I want me passed the fuck out.

Demoralize and traumatize me PLEASE.

Or at least say rude perverted shit to me ... I'll masturbate to that.

Image via WikipediaImage by mnd.ctrl via Flickr"What happens to the old girl, what happens to the boy?
I see their eyelids moving
What happens to the old boy, will he be destroyed?
Is this what I’m losing?
But I feel, feel
But I feel something, oh it’s better than nothing"

~ Sarah Jaffe


We change. I've wrote a lot about change ... wrote a lot about the boy or the girl ...

How we lose we sight of him or her ...

We just do - as we do, we tell ourselves it's a necessary change. We conjure a system of beliefs on ought - on what it means to be an adult. We create a structure for self, based on societal views... Somehow sexuality and frivolity take a los (line of sight) - there but hidden from view,  position. We have developed to think childish whim a negative ...

We take the girl and she becomes a mother - and is cloistered in our bullshit perceptions. We strip her of ego, whim and her what is considered male aspects.... and leave her fearful of reprisal for stepping out of the mold.

This creates liars... people who lie about who they are ... what they think ... sheep. We create sheep of the slick skinned human variety.

So what happens to the boy? I think men retain their youth more so than women. They have the pressures of being fathers - but somehow their sexuality survives; their sense of adventure and curiosity. Women and their sexuality have always been at crux of compromise. Academically we are discouraged... nearly every sport is dominated by men... and women have to fight for respect. We're whores, sluts, skanks ... we're cheap and easy ... loose, gapped...

I got all kinds of names - as a woman I've heard them all.

I'm not saying men have it easy - they flicker the fuck out too ... Generally though, they tire much faster of the chase and move the fuck on. Whereas a woman will stay and continuously think she is getting closer - despite the widening chasm. She will stay in place because of the pressure of the system we create.

The girl? She dies. Maybe someone comes along and they breathe life - or at least some, back into her ...

I'm thinking it's because he wants to be the one to choke it from her. Don't we all?

Rarely do I find a song that haunts me with self truths. If there is a song that depicts me - this is the one.

Limitless well.

Image via WikipediaThat's how I know I'm not done ... I still think of ought ....

I still think on love at first sight - because I'm a mother. I still think on lovers and what things could be - or would be - if I weren't so stubborn or hard to bring to the table.

I still feel - I feel I'm lost.

I still dream though - I've been silent on the dreams my mind is currently embroiled in ...

But I'm here ... just over there, a little further ...
     
further.....
           further...



 See - you found me.

Image via WikipediaWe think we have sight ...

An idea on ought ...

Grasp of reality ...

Our pattern - seems obvious and so we go along with our melodies - never noticing the chaos within the order.

I do.

I see the mess you are - that you cover ... Your insecurities that tie into mine...

You lean on my words and emotions - tethered to me through my rebellious expressions.

Your cosmetic smile and faked glee .. only make you a more interesting pattern to watch ...

Image via WikipediaI've realized something new about myself ...

That I actually do need people to buffer me from myself. For the many years of me, I've shoved people away and cornered myself into familiarity - rather than let people in and expose myself to the nurturing of others...

Nurturing from strangers and family members often meant molestation, abuse and etc-  in my child's mind .. She's never forgotten. She may be dormant on some levels - but very active on others. I've lived a life of distrust in others... I try to get close - but once they do anything I perceive as questionable ... I retreat and bubble myself in an impenetrable fortress of apathy.

I've always known I'm fucked up ... just different from the majority of those I run into... My writing reflects this; the way I see things; rationalize and express ...

But I'm totally fucked on levels I don't think can ever be repaired, healed or ... saved? I will never have close friendships ... Not with women, which sounds odd .. But if you knew the 'why', you'd see why this has become a major complication in my life. It was a woman who let "bad" things happen to me ... and so even though I'm a rational, logical thinker ... I associate women with this treachery. Often - coincidental, they do commit treachery against me ... and even though on deeper levels of thought, I realize this is not reminiscent of all women ...

That part of me ... can't trust a bitch ... even if I love her...

I'm in zone of self right now that is unfamiliar ... or at least I tell myself it is ... Most likely when I'm done peeling back my bullshit, it will just be the same motif... pattern ...

Whatever.

I'm still analyzing data of self ...

Slice of kamikaze pie?

No?

Fuck you too .

~0~




you passed in silence
barely did I feel your presence  
so I mourn what I never really felt
my words become a tombstone
to your pitiful demise

I-my pretty words for you -

liquid lips; round s w o l l e n lovers lies
      limp limbs
               words that rapture
leaking me into the creases of you
             fearful of compromise
surrender my
           thorns
I lay them to side
             gilded messiah
in-caged in your lusts
        refusal to see deeply into the r a v i n e  
chastened but unaware  
       

  I"m a little off to the side of self. Thinking on things I probably shouldn't; wading knee deep in emotions that I normally run from.

All these changes I'm going through - I think has a lot to do with not being content - I can't understand why I'm not. I'm getting to be home with my cubs - which is something I wanted and didn't have with Alex & Tabi.. But there is this emptiness in me that keeps getting deeper and wider... It's going to engulf me unless I do something. I'm starting to see the pattern I keep following with men, and it isn't one of physical abuse - it's one where I'm the mother; the sister; the best friend ... the wife.

Never the lover.

So friend says to me: " You run from love - as fast as your boots will allow, and even if it catches you, you throttle it, till none remains."

Friend is right.

Love sucks ass.

At least the kind of passionate love... It's a poison; a death; a creeping in of pain that settles deeply into your bones and eats at you. Or so my experience has been ... If that's what it was -I'll skip.

Friend says, " Not all love hurts Angie ... assholes hurt. You & Jeff are both scared to venture and so you keep each other locked up. "

True.

Friend says, " One day - Jeff or you - is going to run across someone who will change that..."

Inevitable.

Jeff will always be my best friend - and I will always be his. We have a very tight bond. I think he will eventually move into a relationship with another ... I'll probably just be alone, as I was for years. As I was while pregnant - both times.

I also think I'm broke. I'm just fuckin' broke. Not from poontang either - I'm broke from deeper experiences. I'm not sure I can love someone, to trust someone - enough to love them .... not a love that requires me to let them have an ability to hurt me. I'm far to guarded. I'm too on edge and always searching for the knife point.

Friend says, " One day someone will KNOW you enough to know how to get you to easy speak ... and he will whisper soft cushy shit back in your ear while holding your belt loop - so you can't run."

Maybe.

I doubt that.

For Jeff I don't ... I want him to have that passionate, crazy "crawl in your ear" love.

That's how I much I love him ...

But he isn't allowed to move out of house until kids are 18 ...

: )

I can lay inside your eyes - sleep contently
Lay folded within your ears- plucking waves like peaches
from a metaphorical tree

If love were as fallen petals from dying flowers
I'd be scattered across the remnants of my darker me ...

You make me tread the light and think of letters written drowned in passion
ink black as night, vivid on the white sheet beneath its writhing ...
in emotional collapse.

I've always said I'd whisper you sweet cushy shit ...
Words that strip me - naked form before you, humbled.

- festered.

Within me- like bloom.
Scent sweet as stupor in perilous time;
Liquid as honey- thick on mind;
Kiss - a phantom.

Entangled - freely;
Escaped- I run faster than you can follow.
Quickly lit words with interruptions, diversions and my never ending ....


Pushing away.

It's who I am.

Coded, cryptically speaking... quixotically fucking you.

Attraction is harsh want.

Image by Jen SFO-BCN via Flickr

Songs can be intense conduits of thoughts; emotions and memories. A friend on my Facebook posted the Stevie Nicks video- Landlsides, and it triggered many of the three I mentioned. I was up most of the night sorting them and trying to decide if these were trivial thoughts – irrelevant and just brought on by sentiment, a fleeting set of emotions...

But a question eats at me … One I can't determine a definitive answer for …

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

I'm not sure... I'm going through so many changes internally, I wonder if I will cave beneath them; be defeated or adapt and emerge this 'new' person who feels foreign …I just recently became comfortable with me … and now it's all in question again.

This isn't about religion by the way, so readers don't get excited.

This is about the changes women go through – or men, our seasons. Like her song – children get older, and I'm getting older too ..

I am.

As I do – I'm changing. Jeff isn't aware or able to handle those changes – as an older man would … One who has raised kids and experienced things as I have … I can't easy speak to Jeff, I've tried.

Friends are changing too …

Or maybe they weren't friends... I think I'm a friend to people who aren't to me, because I have this unbelievable amount of faith in people. Some have gotten very materialistic – and it's a huge turn off to me – and I see the changes in them, vain ones.

I feel I'm mot “redneck prep” - so we don't meet in the middle. I'm this odd fringe type of redneck – a throw back to the village mentality on helping one another or being close to them like family … I'm not self involved enough for them though to join any reindeer games.

Just this past weekend I had friends come to my house... It's always I come to my friends houses for parties or to help them … the rest of time, I'm kinda forgotten. They don't sit at my table and break bread. But then again – I don't think I interest them … I'm not flashy or 'to do' or … a gossip whore, trifling female who gets all into the 'drama' scene.... I kinda lay back and say rational shit... or dirty shit.

I'm not “female” enough … I'm not a man either. So I kinda fuck myself in that area. There is also the issue that my “friends” hang out with people who either fucking hate me, talk about me … Or try to play mind games with me, and they aren't intelligent enough to do so.

Anyway ... I want a friend or friends who can weather the changes...

I'll sit softly by you

we'll about when I was little

ruffled skirts

I'll show my scars

we'll giggle like innocent children

you can show me yours

I'll tell you it will all be ok …

Someday that shit fades …. kinda.

The seasons of our life brings them back – and so we must wait for the season that brought them to reflect to pass us …

Image by Eyesplash via FlickrFor most of my life - as I assume for other people, I have spent many resources on validating why certain types of people wouldn't do well with me as a friend. There are differences we have in ideologies, family, our ethics or way of expression that keep us at safe distance apart or a type of protective animosity.

Now that I'm nearing 40 ... I realize that's a bunch of bullshit.

Some bitches are just snotty. They - with their high cotton mentality, have decided themselves to be a higher social class than you ... or a better person, over a list of trivial qualities. Qualities they imagine themselves to have - but may fail to actually possess.

I've come to the point where I'm over those people. I'm apathetic now... couldn't care less. They can sleep safely at night knowing that they have protected themselves from a cussing; never going to change- kid at heart;enigmatic atheist, who if it came down to integrity and honesty - I'd  spank them. I'd do it cussing, but I'd spank them none the less.

pew pew baby doll

It's not that they can't be friends with me because I'm atheist, or cuss ... or any of the reasons that I've used to validate them treating me less or putting on a charade ... a sad petty one. Truth is they can't accept people for who they are genuinely- they'd rather be friends with your fake representative. It's flaw within themselves. I don't know why I've accepted this type of ... bullshit reasoning, when I don't accept it from myself. I'm very critical on why I would dislike someone. I have a system of checks and balances to try and keep me from developing that high cotton mentality.

fuck you and you highfalutin bullshit 

Another thing bothering me ... I've always had the rule that I wouldn't judge someone by the friends they keep - especially if that person was my enemy.

Now I've changed my mind on that... can't let wolves in my den anymore. I can't trust you ...

There is a truth in birds of a feather ... flock together.There are qualities you and that person are compatible in ... Most likely the shitty ones.




Even if minimal .... I'm shutting you out. I've had enough treachery from womenfolk ...