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I'm the only one for Alex and Tabitha to blame - I'm the only parent they can hurt with words and actions. I'm the only one they can make cry, punish or hold accountable- because I'm the only one who cares.
I am the bad one, the deceiver, the boogie man, the destroyer of lives... Even though I wasn't alone, I'm alone in all the blame. I'm to blame for the needle; the fights; the turning inward and depression ... I'm to blame for working too many hours, not being there for school and meals ... everything a mother should be there for.
It's all on my shoulders ...
I was just trying to keep us alive - but that will never be enough of an excuse or reason. But I am, and always will be the blame. There is no one else for them to hurt that would care. They never stop to think of me, and what I went through - kids never do. They never stop to think how depressed, defeated and lost I was while watching my world fall apart, and knowing nothing that I did could repair. I fell so deep and hard - to a low point that I put a loaded 357 to my head while sitting on the very bed my children slept on. I just wanted to die. I just wanted to sleep. I wanted to do that every day - for the longest time.
So I get full doses for both us ... Just like my mother did ...
I've come to conclude I will never have a normal relationship with either of my two adult children - they're still blaming me. I'm still their crutch for every wrong in their life... I'm the only one they can focus the hurt on. I'm to blame for both their personality flaws, though the coldness comes from their dad, well as a few other traits.
He was always so cold. Always. At least to us.
I'm to blame for Tabitha's material obsessions- I bought her everything to make up for not being there. So now she admires people who have lots of material items ... She has always looked up to other women more than me. It was this way with her first boyfriends mom, and now the second. They share things in common on physical possessions or desiring physical possessions, where worth is defined by items. She's the daughter they always wanted - and the daughter I always needed (minus the material garbage)but will never have, because I don't meet her requirements monetarily.
I'm to blame for Alex's slow demise into his pit of nothing - his cocoon of "I hate mom and all things she touches." I don't think he realizes - ultimately he holds the keys to his happiness... Most of it is wrapped up in his obsession with the internet.
My life has had good times- but a very cruel unlimited amount of bad. I've been raped, molested, psychically and emotionally abused .. I've been poorer than poor... Below poverty level... I've survived more in the first 12 years of my life than most have lived in 40. I can't blame my mother or father for the actions I have made as an adult. They may have helped shape me - but I am responsible for all that I have done, and made by choice.
I own myself, and all the wrong I have done - and the good I have created.
Someday I hope my two adult children can say the same... I hope one day they overcome their self induced handicaps and bullshit .. and learn to own themselves.
My "New Years" resolution is to stop being the blame. Learn to carry your own fucking selves and learn to accept personal responsibility for who you are today. Either get well or commit emotional death ... Mom is officially tired of being your trash can. I'm not the band-aid to all that ills you ...
