Penetrated Lobe

I'm alright.

2012-02-08T12:39:00.000-08:00

worried (Photo credit: s.alt)I'm dark.
I'm moody.
I'm doubtful.
I'm angry.

People don't understand that truth ... A person who feels is angry ...They bleed emotion, passion and often themselves into every view, post, story, joke, tearful memory ...

They bleed- because they possess empathy. Not that half lived kind either ... The kind we see so much of today. The kind that won't kill, but will retract a helping hand. The kind that recoils from human intervention. The kind that lives with blinders on and conveniently sidestep ethics to pander to political ideology or religion.

Sometimes my bleeding involves a lot of profanity.

I'm alright though ...

I think I have resolved why I've been so damn unhappy friend wise... I have none that are similar to me. I have no one near me or intimately known to me in which to share my core interests or passions. There is no chic I can sip Moca Cum Shot Me Latte with ... and discuss science, philosophy or other topics which interest me or stir me deeply. We all need connections with people who we can relate to or who speak to us on a deeper level than casual life experiences. I have no male friend for that either. Hell - I barely I have a lover, despite being married. People always say they worry me becoming a hermit - Well ... But what would you have me do? Make more friends on false pretenses? Have me sit and grimace through verbal exchanges with people I have nothing in common with other than maybe gender or species? Have me snip away at myself into some acceptable form for social gatherings?

To the locals who read my shit - how many people do you know who think like me? Who has interest in academia and loves to debate and discuss controversial subjects? Who they hell here talks like me? I have to drive many, many miles to have a hook up with people who are free thinkers - and parents. Even then - they sit in their khaki's - and their snobbish views of hillbillies ... or country folk. They talk alien to me - literally UFO conspiracy shit over wine tasting or the boring question, "Does God Exist?"

Who cares if it does either way? You see any evidence of it doing a damn thing? No. Why worry either way? If it exists - it must be benign ... or incredibly fucking lazy ... So why worry about consequences for not caring. Obviously it doesn't care about those who do worry or who actually believe ...

It just apparently- if existent, doesn't fucking care. So neither do I.

It's my way of dealing with the whole issue now. It cuts down a lot of having to think in a theological context - which is still being trapped by religion. Fuck you - I'm free.

Like most humans I have to figure out how I can satisfy what I long for or need to fulfill within myself. I'm joining more mom groups - open secular ones and branching out some more. I refuse to silence me so I can get along with people. I refuse to sit with vacuous twits who can't form an intelligent thought. That may sound mean - but when you value intellect ... It's a fucking issue for you. I limit my exposure to keep me from throwing rocks at the bitches. Not saying I expect my friends to be exactly like me ... but damn, it'd be nice to have one at least in the general fucking area of me. This isn't to say I don't have friends I love - I do. However, they have friends who mirror their interests - I need the same.

It's fucking dead land out here.

I'm alright though ...

I just have to find me .. or close to me ... again. I read some female book on life changes - apparently I'm on some path to discovery or yadda yadda female mental masturbation marathon.

I hope I like that bitch when I find her.

Ayn Rand - Nope, She Is Still Wrong.

2012-01-18T06:59:00.000-08:00

I appreciate her work - I do ... To some extent. Much like all things, moderation is key. Doing my best to keep from becoming and idiot- aka, ideological group thinking piece of recessive shit, I like to sift through the garbage before I digest ...

I care about my caloric mental intake.

I see several " Atlas Shrugged Day!!!! ... Are you fucking new? Are you still shiny? You're such ideological thinkers - how fucking depressing. You cling to her book and errant fanatical bullshit - Stiitchens fucks Freud, Frankenstein whack job ... like Christians who invoke the name of Christ for winning lottery tickets.

"Since my purpose is the presentation of an ideal man, I had to define and present the conditions which make him possible and which his existence requires. Since man’s character is the product of his premises, I had to define and present the kind of premises and values that create the character of an ideal man and motivate his actions; which means that I had to define and present a rational code of ethics. Since man acts among and deals with other men, I had to present the kind of social system that makes it possible for ideal men to exist and to function—a free, productive, rational system, which demands and rewards the best in every man, great or average, and which is, obviously, laissez-faire capitalism."

Her ideal man is a product of her imagination - not ones who exist in reality. Critical fucking thinking you dip-shits. She was in contradiction to the nature of mankind. It's one thing to appreciate a person works, for sure she was brilliant and major icon... But to be cognitively dissonant and proud is another. You waste your time on purely utopian nonsense. There has never been any evidence of man not being a strategic liar; usurper; deceitful or a host of other human ANIMAL behaviors. In fact most you promoting her ideals on human nature... exhibit them yourselves - lying. When have we ever accepted other cultures without being critical? What fucking examples do you have of her view of human nature? None.

They don't exist. Purely utopian. You have to invent the ideal man - as she did, from your fucking imagination.

So what's up Cat's ass?

2011-12-24T18:36:00.000-08:00

People just need to get over my silence socially ... My life doesn't fucking revolve around groups of people who I dislike any damn way...How many times do I have to say that I don't get along with other females well? I can't stand 95% of the women I come in contact with - vapid mouthed & vacuous come to mind.

Empty vessels does too.

No I don't want to go to parties and see good time friends - I
remember when shit was against the wall and no one wanted a thing to do with any of us ... Now it seems some of our asses are in the 'clique' with the same group of fucking people who probably ran their cocksuckers about you before. Most of them damn sure ran their mouths about me. Now- everyone is all fucking chummy and glittered over with faux pleasantries and squishy words that amount to nothing in the end. In the end - cause it always comes the fuck back around - life is circular like that, those people will bail .. and your friends will still be around to pick you up and brush you off ...

So you can run back to the same damn crowd and immerse yourself in local fecal matter.

Bunch of the most damn rinse and repeat mother fuckers I've seen...

This is another reason why I don't go anywhere locally anymore ... Bunch of bullshit. I don't want to break bread with them - much less hang out around a fire with them. No amount of friendship can make me want to chill with a bunch of bigots and hypocrites, while making myself one.

Fuck that...I have my own source for that kinda hell.

Secondly - do you people come to my house? Do you break bread with me? Do you call me?

FUCK NO

I don't' even get so much as Facebook like on the pictures of my kids ... But let me not go to a party ... or come over when they 'summon' me ... and suddenly I'm shit.

Truth is - I'm tired of being the one to pat your backs; offer words; reach out; trying to boost you; trying to keep you lifted and being the one to be there when the leaches walk away after the beer or liquor is gone.

I can't even get a fucking phone call. Not even a "Happy Birthday" to my child.

So what's up Cat's ass?

Realization.

Realization that my friends come to my house; they call me; they care me about me at all times of my life...They make a fucking effort to be involved. Maybe you people who are upset - need to look at how much or if you're even involved in my life.

I ain't your goddamn party friend; good-time Jane...

I was your real friend - the one who didn't need to be fucking entertained by you.

Cough.

2011-12-13T19:08:00.000-08:00

Image by marsmet524 via Flickr

I'm in a blunt mood – I want cock. Lots of cock. I want to be like Julie Benningfield on Facebook, and say shit like, “I can't keep my husband out my pussy!”
I can't even get mine to take a short scenic walk by mine …

I don't hate him for that – after all we're married and fucking (minus the fucking part) weird. I'm ok with that for the most – but I want cock like fat women crave starches and a soft place to sit their fat asses.

As you can read – I'm clearly suffering from EVCS – Empty Vaginal Cavity Syndrome. Sex isn't everything – but it's something... something I think I should be thrown down and savaged with on occasion, to keep my demon quelled.

Nothing shuts me the hell up like a good hard fuck … blunt objects rule my world … on occasion.

Not to mention it helps me sleep. Why would you be married to me and want me awake? Even I want me passed the fuck out.

Demoralize and traumatize me PLEASE.

Or at least say rude perverted shit to me ... I'll masturbate to that.

It's All Contradictions.

2011-12-07T08:08:00.000-08:00

Image via WikipediaImage by mnd.ctrl via Flickr"What happens to the old girl, what happens to the boy?
I see their eyelids moving
What happens to the old boy, will he be destroyed?
Is this what I’m losing?
But I feel, feel
But I feel something, oh it’s better than nothing"

~ Sarah Jaffe

We change. I've wrote a lot about change ... wrote a lot about the boy or the girl ...

How we lose we sight of him or her ...

We just do - as we do, we tell ourselves it's a necessary change. We conjure a system of beliefs on ought - on what it means to be an adult. We create a structure for self, based on societal views... Somehow sexuality and frivolity take a los (line of sight) - there but hidden from view, position. We have developed to think childish whim a negative ...

We take the girl and she becomes a mother - and is cloistered in our bullshit perceptions. We strip her of ego, whim and her what is considered male aspects.... and leave her fearful of reprisal for stepping out of the mold.

This creates liars... people who lie about who they are ... what they think ... sheep. We create sheep of the slick skinned human variety.

So what happens to the boy? I think men retain their youth more so than women. They have the pressures of being fathers - but somehow their sexuality survives; their sense of adventure and curiosity. Women and their sexuality have always been at crux of compromise. Academically we are discouraged... nearly every sport is dominated by men... and women have to fight for respect. We're whores, sluts, skanks ... we're cheap and easy ... loose, gapped...

I got all kinds of names - as a woman I've heard them all.

I'm not saying men have it easy - they flicker the fuck out too ... Generally though, they tire much faster of the chase and move the fuck on. Whereas a woman will stay and continuously think she is getting closer - despite the widening chasm. She will stay in place because of the pressure of the system we create.

The girl? She dies. Maybe someone comes along and they breathe life - or at least some, back into her ...

I'm thinking it's because he wants to be the one to choke it from her. Don't we all?

Rarely - Haunted.

2011-12-07T04:42:00.000-08:00

Rarely do I find a song that haunts me with self truths. If there is a song that depicts me - this is the one.

Limitless well.

I Still Dream.

2011-12-06T18:33:00.000-08:00

Image via WikipediaThat's how I know I'm not done ... I still think of ought ....

I still think on love at first sight - because I'm a mother. I still think on lovers and what things could be - or would be - if I weren't so stubborn or hard to bring to the table.

I still feel - I feel I'm lost.

I still dream though - I've been silent on the dreams my mind is currently embroiled in ...

But I'm here ... just over there, a little further ...

further.....
further...

See - you found ~~me.~~

chaotic friends

2011-11-26T13:56:00.000-08:00

Image via WikipediaWe think we have sight ...

An idea on ought ...

Grasp of reality ...

Our pattern - seems obvious and so we go along with our melodies - never noticing the chaos within the order.

I do.

I see the mess you are - that you cover ... Your insecurities that tie into mine...

You lean on my words and emotions - tethered to me through my rebellious expressions.

Your cosmetic smile and faked glee .. only make you a more interesting pattern to watch ...

Spittle

2011-11-26T06:01:00.000-08:00

Image via WikipediaI've realized something new about myself ...

That I actually do need people to buffer me from myself. For the many years of me, I've shoved people away and cornered myself into familiarity - rather than let people in and expose myself to the nurturing of others...

Nurturing from strangers and family members often meant molestation, abuse and etc- in my child's mind .. She's never forgotten. She may be dormant on some levels - but very active on others. I've lived a life of distrust in others... I try to get close - but once they do anything I perceive as questionable ... I retreat and bubble myself in an impenetrable fortress of apathy.

I've always known I'm fucked up ... just different from the majority of those I run into... My writing reflects this; the way I see things; rationalize and express ...

But I'm totally fucked on levels I don't think can ever be repaired, healed or ... saved? I will never have close friendships ... Not with women, which sounds odd .. But if you knew the 'why', you'd see why this has become a major complication in my life. It was a woman who let "bad" things happen to me ... and so even though I'm a rational, logical thinker ... I associate women with this treachery. Often - coincidental, they do commit treachery against me ... and even though on deeper levels of thought, I realize this is not reminiscent of all women ...

That part of me ... can't trust a bitch ... even if I love her...

I'm in zone of self right now that is unfamiliar ... or at least I tell myself it is ... Most likely when I'm done peeling back my bullshit, it will just be the same motif... pattern ...

Whatever.

I'm still analyzing data of self ...

Slice of kamikaze pie?

No?

Fuck you too .

I Didn't Know You Well.

2011-11-11T06:37:00.000-08:00

~0~

you passed in silence
barely did I feel your ~~presence~~
so I mourn what I never really felt
my words become a tombstone
to your pitiful demise

spiral affection

2011-11-10T12:41:00.000-08:00

I-my pretty words for you -

liquid lips; round ~~s w o l l e n~~ lovers lies
      limp limbs
               words that rapture
leaking me into the creases of you
             fearful of compromise
surrender my
           thorns
I ~~lay~~ them to side
             gilded messiah
in-caged in your lusts
        refusal to see deeply into the ~~r a v i n e~~
~~chastened~~ but unaware

Journal ...

2011-11-08T14:24:00.000-08:00

I"m a little off to the side of self. Thinking on things I probably shouldn't; wading knee deep in emotions that I normally run from.

All these changes I'm going through - I think has a lot to do with not being content - I can't understand why I'm not. I'm getting to be home with my cubs - which is something I wanted and didn't have with Alex & Tabi.. But there is this emptiness in me that keeps getting deeper and wider... It's going to engulf me unless I do something. I'm starting to see the pattern I keep following with men, and it isn't one of physical abuse - it's one where I'm the mother; the sister; the best friend ... the wife.

Never the lover.

So friend says to me: " You run from love - as fast as your boots will allow, and even if it catches you, you throttle it, till none remains."

Friend is right.

Love sucks ass.

At least the kind of passionate love... It's a poison; a death; a creeping in of pain that settles deeply into your bones and eats at you. Or so my experience has been ... If that's what it was -I'll skip.

Friend says, " Not all love hurts Angie ... assholes hurt. You & Jeff are both scared to venture and so you keep each other locked up. "

True.

Friend says, " One day - Jeff or you - is going to run across someone who will change that..."

Inevitable.

Jeff will always be my best friend - and I will always be his. We have a very tight bond. I think he will eventually move into a relationship with another ... I'll probably just be alone, as I was for years. As I was while pregnant - both times.

I also think I'm broke. I'm just fuckin' broke. Not from poontang either - I'm broke from deeper experiences. I'm not sure I can love someone, to trust someone - enough to love them .... not a love that requires me to let them have an ability to hurt me. I'm far to guarded. I'm too on edge and always searching for the knife point.

Friend says, " One day someone will KNOW you enough to know how to get you to easy speak ... and he will whisper soft cushy shit back in your ear while holding your belt loop - so you can't run."

Maybe.

I doubt that.

For Jeff I don't ... I want him to have that passionate, crazy "crawl in your ear" love.

That's how I much I love him ...

But he isn't allowed to move out of house until kids are 18 ...

: )

je t'aime

2011-11-08T10:55:00.000-08:00

I can lay inside your eyes - sleep contently
Lay folded within your ears- plucking waves like peaches
from a metaphorical tree

If love were as fallen petals from dying flowers
I'd be scattered across the remnants of my darker me ...

You make me tread the light and think of letters written drowned in passion
ink black as night, vivid on the white sheet beneath its writhing ...
in emotional ~~collapse.~~

I've always said I'd whisper you sweet cushy shit ...
Words that strip me - naked form before you, humbled.

Attraction

2011-11-07T13:10:00.000-08:00

- festered.

Within me- like bloom.
Scent sweet as stupor in perilous time;
Liquid as honey- thick on mind;
~~Kiss~~ - a phantom.

Entangled - freely;
Escaped- I run faster than you can follow.
Quickly lit words with interruptions, ~~diversions~~ and my never ending ....

Pushing away.

It's who I am.

Coded, cryptically speaking... quixotically fucking you.

Attraction is harsh want.

Seasons Of My Life...

2011-10-30T15:26:00.000-07:00

Image by Jen SFO-BCN via Flickr

Songs can be intense conduits of thoughts; emotions and memories. A friend on my Facebook posted the Stevie Nicks video- Landlsides, and it triggered many of the three I mentioned. I was up most of the night sorting them and trying to decide if these were trivial thoughts – irrelevant and just brought on by sentiment, a fleeting set of emotions...

But a question eats at me … One I can't determine a definitive answer for …

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

I'm not sure... I'm going through so many changes internally, I wonder if I will cave beneath them; be defeated or adapt and emerge this 'new' person who feels foreign …I just recently became comfortable with me … and now it's all in question again.

This isn't about religion by the way, so readers don't get excited.

This is about the changes women go through – or men, our seasons. Like her song – children get older, and I'm getting older too ..

I am.

As I do – I'm changing. Jeff isn't aware or able to handle those changes – as an older man would … One who has raised kids and experienced things as I have … I can't easy speak to Jeff, I've tried.

Friends are changing too …

Or maybe they weren't friends... I think I'm a friend to people who aren't to me, because I have this unbelievable amount of faith in people. Some have gotten very materialistic – and it's a huge turn off to me – and I see the changes in them, vain ones.

I feel I'm mot “redneck prep” - so we don't meet in the middle. I'm this odd fringe type of redneck – a throw back to the village mentality on helping one another or being close to them like family … I'm not self involved enough for them though to join any reindeer games.

Just this past weekend I had friends come to my house... It's always I come to my friends houses for parties or to help them … the rest of time, I'm kinda forgotten. They don't sit at my table and break bread. But then again – I don't think I interest them … I'm not flashy or 'to do' or … a gossip whore, trifling female who gets all into the 'drama' scene.... I kinda lay back and say rational shit... or dirty shit.

I'm not “female” enough … I'm not a man either. So I kinda fuck myself in that area. There is also the issue that my “friends” hang out with people who either fucking hate me, talk about me … Or try to play mind games with me, and they aren't intelligent enough to do so.

Anyway ... I want a friend or friends who can weather the changes...

I'll sit softly by you

we'll about when I was little

ruffled skirts

I'll show my scars

we'll giggle like innocent children

you can show me yours

I'll tell you it will all be ok …

Someday that shit fades …. kinda.

The seasons of our life brings them back – and so we must wait for the season that brought them to reflect to pass us …

huh, what and I'm not even sure

2011-10-23T17:22:00.000-07:00

Image by Eyesplash via FlickrFor most of my life - as I assume for other people, I have spent many resources on validating why certain types of people wouldn't do well with me as a friend. There are differences we have in ideologies, family, our ethics or way of expression that keep us at safe distance apart or a type of protective animosity.

Now that I'm nearing 40 ... I realize that's a bunch of bullshit.

Some bitches are just snotty. They - with their high cotton mentality, have decided themselves to be a higher social class than you ... or a better person, over a list of trivial qualities. Qualities they imagine themselves to have - but may fail to actually possess.

I've come to the point where I'm over those people. I'm apathetic now... couldn't care less. They can sleep safely at night knowing that they have protected themselves from a cussing; never going to change- kid at heart;enigmatic atheist, who if it came down to integrity and honesty - I'd spank them. I'd do it cussing, but I'd spank them none the less.

pew pew baby doll

It's not that they can't be friends with me because I'm atheist, or cuss ... or any of the reasons that I've used to validate them treating me less or putting on a charade ... a sad petty one. Truth is they can't accept people for who they are genuinely- they'd rather be friends with your fake representative. It's flaw within themselves. I don't know why I've accepted this type of ... bullshit reasoning, when I don't accept it from myself. I'm very critical on why I would dislike someone. I have a system of checks and balances to try and keep me from developing that high cotton mentality.

fuck you and you highfalutin bullshit

Another thing bothering me ... I've always had the rule that I wouldn't judge someone by the friends they keep - especially if that person was my enemy.

Now I've changed my mind on that... can't let wolves in my den anymore. I can't trust you ...

There is a truth in birds of a feather ... flock together.There are qualities you and that person are compatible in ... Most likely the shitty ones.

Even if minimal .... I'm shutting you out. I've had enough treachery from womenfolk ...

It just is - for now...

2011-10-17T18:16:00.000-07:00

Image by HonghuW via FlickrWhat you see in me my friends, is the flame flickering ... flickering the fuck out. I'm retreating - I give too much to people who give me none in return. I'm becoming emotionally bankrupt... again. I find myself searching for trails of myself in places I've never even been ...

How can you be where you've never been? Illogical.

Yet I search ... in vain. Even in moments of happiness - I'm discontent.

So for now it is what is ... I'll be shutting down to find me again ... To try and revive what it is I let suffocate beneath all my costumes, masks and other miscellaneous tools of illusion.

Hrmm and other sounds...

2011-10-05T15:24:00.000-07:00

Image by horrigans via FlickrOf discontent.

They say when drunk the truth of you is revealed.... Maybe for weak people that's a truth. For the strong in deceptive patterns and addicts to social chaos .. It just enables us to create more artistically.

Paradoxical .. It's the truth while not being the truth.

Jesse and I have been talking - I speak easy to him ... It's rare I can do that with someone, I always have with him. He knows me like no other; like no one probably ever will. I have someone else in mind that I probably could ... He'd mistake it for sexual I think - maybe I would too.... I'm human, a dirty one.

We discussed the "why's" of me. The protection mode I slip into; the drinking as a tactical play of offense ... He knows I drink to loosen the kings, Queens and pawns ... To place them haphazardly - like landmines, to entertain myself with an inebriated mind...

I play Chess with people...Mind candy for the analytical brain.

None the less - you haven't met me ... He made me realize this truth. I'm a junkie to the set up ... the working the room and creating a false dichotomy to amuse myself.

It's not that I don't want to be close to people - people fuck me over when I do let them in... So I create a person they can fuck over, yet at same time can't... She doesn't truthfully exist. There are people I'd love to be close with - or be able to easy speak with ...

I can't - no matter how much I want ... I can't expose the core of me, unless writing. There are people who have learned me through my writing ...Kinda. I don't think they absorb me.

Anyway - I've been kissed in a wal-mart parking lot while being "me." ... Stripped down and vulnerable. We talked about that too...

I'm truly a messy minded chic. Corn on the cob... It's a life lesson. Think on that for a bit.

Wheel O' Poon & Cock Network.

2011-09-20T16:41:00.000-07:00

Image via Wikipedia

I’m going to try and keep this brief … But it may turn out long.

Cocoa is NOT diverse. Neither is your pussy if you date within its border or surrounding…

You see – your pussy and its goings on will be spread via the cocoa cock network. This is a highly visible network – but hidden beneath the cloak of bullshit… Bullshit sounds a lot like this:

“ I won’t tell. “
“ I keep it down low.”
“We keep our business to ourselves.”

…And various other lines of bullshit that in no way represents the truth. You become part of the ‘wheel’ when you fuck one within the ‘cock’ network. Like a virus – news of your easily attained pussy will be shared and incorporated into their mainframe of Bullshit. The ‘cocks’ will discuss you sexually and set a ‘share’ agreement. You’ll notice men within the cock network will suddenly come forth and attempt to ‘date’ you on the low… All the information each attains will then be ‘downloaded’ and you will be on virtual “wheel o’ poon” along with other women/not yet identified, possible female.

The cock network is not to be trusted. These men are hunters for the most and skilled in tracking, trapping and slaying … They know through years of experience how to attract sympathy using empathy ...Nothing gets pussy like them empathizing with your “situation”…

They talk well with women – because they’ve fucked a lot of women. Experience can make up for lack of looks – trust me.

If you’re going to play – be aware that your information will be shared in the network …

If they want to date – date very public… Not on river or woods- those are network nature brothels.

Clay.

2011-09-18T14:46:00.000-07:00

Image by Carnoodles via Flickr

Lines… It’s become a tangle of lines to pacify myself. A weaving I can’t comprehend or fashion into a usable garment to clothe exposed parts… There is no space within me that I haven’t ventured – stomped, slashed or distorted. I can’t be me – not ever, not really. I am what I need to be in the moment – or to be soft for another. Only when in argumentation, debate or reciprocal sex – am I me… The rest is but a reflection off a mirror image – not of my own, but of whomever I think is passable. When I drink I am reminded of self- she burns. She leaves me on fire with ideals … and wants. I become a petulant child who screams into the thickest parts of myself and like glitter – aspects of me rise like moths in tall grass… consuming me. So very splintered… I keep thinking one day … all of me will find comfort.

A friend of mine told me that when he was inside his wife – he could feel more than just her wetness, or form… He felt her… He felt her breathing, her pulse…

He smelled her…

He was connected in a way he couldn’t put into words or find words that could convey the deepness of what he felt ; sensed or just knew…

Is that love? Or another form of love? … I know many- felt a few.

This Week ...

2011-09-01T13:34:00.000-07:00

This past week has been entertaining and not nearly the drag as it was the previous week - thanks to my lovable, fucked up & dysfunctional friends. I used to feel really out of place – but now I fit right in with my own crew of seriously dark minded people who sling shit so well, that I was enamored by topic and slightly wet with anticipation for each post. Not an exaggeration by the way… Don’t think too hard or you’ll get your own wet spot… I inspire overactive libidos.

Of course I tried to mediate – as per my way. But I admit I was falling in love with people who like me – are so open it will creep you the FUCK OUT. It was awesome to see a family that loves you and protects you – even if fighting over cousin fucking and then dumping you … for their wife…(this claim is in debate ... but it's not even really the subject as much as the loyalty.)

It’s 321 – you can’t make this shit up.

I’m the same way … It’s a loyalty I respect. There are lines drawn that say – “No matter what … I got ya back baby.” I adore that type of allegiance. I hope one day I get that type of honor code in a friendship… If not, I will smile when I think of these sisters and brothers…Who bared it all – ferociously wicked.

However – then it turned to people frowning on the exposure and slinging trash to all parties… and just a general ‘investment’ going on in the community. Everyone of course has morals on the issue – and would never …

Yea, right …

Save your moralistic, self-righteous, pious bullshit for someone who’ll possibly believe you- no one in this area code, mind you. We’ve all been there- done that, repeatedly. Not specifically “that”, but comparable or worse than “that.” Even though I find humor in the subject – and tried to lighten the load of serious shit slinging with some levity here and there … I also understand that I have my own deviant ways and none of my shit is in closet either. Why should it be? Being human is a messy ordeal. I fuck up … I get lost, do stupid shit … Find my way back and then share my journey – or maybe I share while I’m stuck wading through my own fecal matter.

There is nothing new here in the 321 – including you.

As for me – the revelations only made me like them more… I like humans who experience life, all of its boundaries.Well - except the more morbid shit... Keep that to yourself.

I'm Not Trying To Tether My Friends ...

2011-08-31T13:43:00.000-07:00

Image via WikipediaWhen I feel like I am - I back off. Lately I've felt that way - or actually for a bit. It's so hard for me to easy speak to people I connect with on other levels. I try to get to that place; even if I feel really comfortable on other levels - I still have the iron guard up. I still have shade from them ... I will hold back parts of me or create new to stall them from me.

I'm just strange until you get to a point with me to where I do let go ... and stop trying to block or test your loyalty. It's issues with trust ...

They say every hard place life lands you, life teaches you more of yourself and your friends - or people you would call your friend. It may be a forced reciprocal. That's how I feel about a few friends of mine, forced - as in my forcing them. When Jeff left I took for granted that I picked friends who thought like me at least on some level.. so I thought they'd be there for me ...without me having to 'make them.' I didn't think I'd have to use any special wording or etc to get them to care or help out with a friend ... But I did....

Not that anyone owes me - but damn ... A friend is different in obligations.

I'm the type I jump right away to help - I don't wait for you to say "help me''... If I'm your friend - my ass will be there in a hard time. No questions, no strings...

Gonna slit your wrist or get drunk and wreck your truck? I'm there to hide the blades & take the keys. Driving drunk, hit someone ... Call me, I'll be there. Driving your truck fast, hit something or sped while drunk and I'm with you, while sober? ... I'll switch seats. Need to go to work at a strip club and need a ride? I'll give you mine (true story)... Need me to pick your clothes up on the side of a bar ? I did that for AJ, because I shared my body with him at one point and I cared about him as a friend of sorts or at least responsible for him. I didn't even have sex with him again ... I met poontang during that time. You think that little bastard cared? No. None of his other friends did that ... or talked to his dad and tried to patch relationship... He shit on me as a friend. Need me to take your kids to school when none of your other loser friends will? Yeah- done that too ... Where the fuck is that friend? Rest of the zone fuckin' hate you? I'll be there to share beer and keep ya company- come get me, I'll ride dirty with ya. Need me to sneak in and grab all your fuckin' clothes, shot gun and hunting stand, so your psycho girlfriend - you just fucked her sister, won't burn them? Yeah- been there.

That's a friend. I don't even think twice - I think several, but dismiss it all for friendship. That's how my chain hangs baby ...

But if I feel like I got to chase you - or make examples of others to get you to help me or care about me as a friend ... I'm fucking done. I'm not working to be friends with anyone who doesn't return the work, anymore. It eats up too much mental resources. It makes me feel a douche for thinking that I have to teach/coerce/shame or etc, friends into doling out a little bit of compassion for a buddy. I did this to Jeff's family - I stopped that mess too. Fuck it...

Sometimes it's just a case of you not clicking with them and them not wanting to be mean or hurt you ... They just kinda tolerate you. I don't like I can't call my guy buddy because his girlfriend thinks he's fucking me or trying to ...or whatever.

I'm not.

Ask any guy friend of mine - I don't, and I make it very fucking clear. If you can't be friends with me because I don't sex text or make plans to spread on your tailgate ... then fuck you in the ass, hard. I hope your bowels hemorrhage. If you can't learn how to be a chics friend - fuck you twice in the ass, hard. I hope your whole damn innards fall out.

I'm going to hang back from now on - people can work on being friends with me. I'm not going out on limb anymore or praising them...

I fucking try ... but it's all one sided. Maybe - it's the reciprocal thing, I didn't notice it wasn't returned and they we're just kinda going through motions.

I found friends I didn't even know I had - at the same time ...

They call me, come over... include me in their life. They write me messages every damn day ... Help me with Mia - knowing she misses her daddy something bad. I overlooked these people- yet here they are in our life.

I don't expect fucking money ...I do expect support. Even though my life is real fucking hard right now, others have things much, much worse ...

I try to care about 'friends' and ask after them and their life. If you've noticed I have stopped ... It's because you are too fuckin' self absorbed or I felt it was one sided, and I was forcing the friendship, so I backed off.

You can carry the ball for awhile assholes.

I'm Lost

2011-08-24T14:49:00.000-07:00

Image by neonihil via FlickrI am small in the storm
wrapped inside my hostile mind
here I sit, writing empty words to no one
meaning to only be found in the sum of me
written in cryptic code to distract myself from obvious conclusion
I am vacant ...
Inside your walls I can feel nothing touching me
I breathe unrestricted
to feel nothing but the breath from my words;
to be undisturbed by exterior emotions;
to let my interior wither where it may;
to fall down and be allowed to lay pitiful pose;
weaknesses unexposed
Spilling me onto a dirty floor
there's no hope for me to recover, so I replace
the parts that I hate
with passed around imagery
Make me smile ...

I promise it's a lie.

Older Men

2011-08-08T11:05:00.000-07:00

Image via Wikipedia

Men are emotionally vulnerable to age – just as women are. We think them walls of impenetrability and undaunted by changes in their bodies. This isn’t so … Having many male friends and being good at reading body language, I can see the same insecurity in their eyes that I see in woman who no longer can gain the eyes of a passing young man.

Thick of hip; abdomen and rough hands

Like fire lit – within smoldering coals

Your heat steady and even – never too much or too little

Wisdom shorn for thirsty mind

Arms need no guide; fingers need no tutoring

Words unadjusted – smooth rolled in easy speak

To me older men are incredibly sexy … I like the older man who tries to retain his boyish ways – but tempers it with an understanding in the presence of an older woman. He knows to give her gentle eye and not make her feel a past event. He can set aside the body of a girl yet to be woman – who has no lines of motherhood; who has no journey that has left asphalt in her skin , and appreciate the beauty of the woman who has …

I like an older guy that can make you feel young at heart – while respecting your life experience. He knows there is a difference between making love to a woman who has had life within her and raised that life – and woman who hasn’t. He knows the deepness of an older woman’s heart …

I enjoy my older male friends – they never make me feel unattractive or a relic when in the presence of younger women- they always give me the respect.

That is a rule that need not be spoken.

That is one thing the sets older men apart from the boys… and the part that makes them all the more sexy and desirable. Your paths may be a little more worn - just as mine... but we glide baby, we glide.

Interlude

2011-08-04T11:46:00.000-07:00

inner web of me
loosened lines have lost all hold
trot ridden prick-full conceived bastard of a poorly paid whore
tripped in the thick of word
silver lined tongue;spun lies like lovers
twisted in your disrepair
deep seeded yet barren fool of compromise
head held low; fallen king of nothing gained
nothing lost... you were never even a whisper to my truth

Creepy Connections With Static Minds.

2011-08-01T13:11:00.000-07:00

Image by xJasonRogersx via Flickr

- Bizarre when you know more about a person’s psychological profile; behaviorism's; justifications; time framing and etc ... than those who spend their time with them the most. You can be distant in every fucking way – yet chart when they will freak; burst and change wind. The only thing stranger is that they are similar to what you feel or are experiencing – but reject and hold back from. You suffer pangs of jealousy for doing so.

Hear that echo?

That’s me testing my cage. Palms wrapped tight white around the bars – I’m not fuckin’ slippin’ between rusted lines for the promise of a dirty water bowl and stale crumbs. Who knows why people like me think as we do; play as we do … Move people across boards – like kings with land to roam, pillage and rape.

I try from time to time to sever from the noise – but some music you just can’t stop. Cruelty fits so comfortably in my lap – I dare not move the cunt. Some parts of you are best left to sleep. So I sit here and stroke her; sedate her with my lies … I’ll smile and give words of optimism … But never mistake that there isn’t is a cold rationality behind my smiles.

I’m a bitch always in thought … deep introspection is a sick addiction to minds like mine.

The more...

2011-07-26T16:13:00.000-07:00

Image by barnism via Flickr

You give the more you get fucked in the end. I try not to think this way. I've been given to before - and that person acted like they had to hide the shit and in the end I was still fucked because I felt bad about taking the help, ended with them thinking I was taking advantage(when I never asked)... So I guard against becoming bullshit and thinking the same. I like to think people are genuine in need and will do stuff that usually puts me in a bad place. Not because I’m altruistic – it pays me ethically.

On Karma:

Karma is a fucking delusion to give you a small stipend on revenge that will never be actually paid - but satisfies your need to believe "One Day!"...

Fucking bullshit, don't waste your time.

People who tell you honesty is the best policy are fucking lying. They wouldn't know honestly if she came up and squatted on their face. They have a ratified by bullshit definition of truth... a marginalized version. It’s only significant in irrelevant, trivial shit that it be the actual act of truth … all other variables call for the creatively adapted application of truth. In other words if it furthers their agenda … them bitches are lying. People lie, to lie to themselves about their bullshit. They conjure validations for their schemes, their treatment of others… their reasons for being fucking shady.

Anyone who actually tells the truth knows the truth or the actual consequence of honesty – it is called ass fucked. You literally will be fucked in the ass by the people who claim to respect this trait. By truth they meant lies… They really want to be lied to. They want you to perform like a dog in a show for them … in order to be rewarded.

Liars are greatly rewarded …This is the lesson I’ve learned in the 39 years I’ve been alive. It fucking pays to be a dog. To speak on command; to fetch; to participate in running your cocksucker about people who aren’t there to defend themselves. It pays to kiss ass; to align religiously and be a puppet to an invisible master.

It doesn’t pay to be honest about your views; lack of religion; how you feel … It doesn’t pay to be decent on how you make value judgments; or how you try to adhere to integrity behind your convictions…

If you’re waiting to be paid – you’re a fake. Real deals understand – you AIN’T getting shit. You don’t get ‘paid’ for making people be uncomfortable; or being an ‘asshole’ or being critical of behaviors – including your own. You aren’t getting paid for being truthful on who you are or being unpopular…

Popularity pays off in personal life. It has huge ‘ends’. In your personal life being an unpopular truth bringer gets you out-casted. It gets you held in contempt, your kids held in contempt – all the while the sanctimonious assholes think they are ‘showing you’ or going to force you to adopt with their view, behaviors … to cross over to their playing field. Wrong fuckers… If I resisted prostitution, heroin, crack and everything else people have tried to force on me… You fuckers don’t stand a chance. I don’t join forces with what I feel is a malign influence.

There was a time where I might have considered being a fake too – to get from a to b… But then I realize being fake has a much greater cost than being truthful to who you are and your convictions.

Slavery and never owning yourself are far worse than being an out-cast.

bitten through

2011-07-26T15:29:00.000-07:00

Image via WikipediaBeen a while since I openly crept into my lobe ....

Burnt out chastened whore

Smearing your scent; leaving your words like soiled panties

Held down; clinging to the floor of wicked whim.

Callous cunt with no remorse – to never be shed

Slit and slipped beneath your skin…

You never me felt me sleep.

Born Again Redneck

2011-07-21T12:28:00.000-07:00

Image by tihaunted via Flickr

I tried to escape being country - or redneck ... My voice is clear; no drawl...

Diction is near perfect. I wear shoes- mostly. True I have a few pair of boots – but only one pair of flip flops. I’ve deeply engrained myself into multiculturalism. I’ve wrapped my mind around intense subjects and strayed away from small town mentality. Washed from me is religion and born is the understanding of complicated scientific theories and robust interest in philosophical masturbation on consciousness … and masturbation. I have made it a point to be well read, well versed and easily accessible to those who are in contradiction to my ‘lifestyle’… I’m not racist, homophobic or anti-immigration. I strive to concern myself with politics – and be rational or question my views against my morals/ethics. I seek out rational discourse and friendship…

and sex….

But it seems fruitless – I will always be a country momma. I will always be of the mind in the rural sense of ought… I love mud between my toes; in the crack of my ass … I love trees, soil, canals and Bud Light. I love country music and redneck/country men … I like shotguns and crossbows; women in camo…men in nothing … but holding a beer and wicked dancing in their eyes. I’m not a slave to the past tense usage of redneck … I’ve become a born again redneck. I’ve been set free from small minded bigotry, sexism, religion and many of the old attributes that can’t survive in a world heading toward globalism. I’ve kept the survivable aspects – and released the ones that make me weak… that devalue my journey. Ones that devalue our journey and the path paved by many men and women who fought for change …

A redneck self-realization: we aren’t cast by one mold. Some of us are born again from a new cast; a new set ideals on ought - or maybe a throwback to older ones that weren't concerned for color, creed or etc... Just that we fuckin' made it all out together.

Black Eyes & I'm Sorry ...

2011-07-21T11:36:00.000-07:00

Image via WikipediaIs a good sign of bullshit.

This is going to be short - but to the point. You can make excuses - that's all it will ever be...

You making an excuse for someone hitting you or an excuse to stay ...

I love him/her..
They have changed a lot since we got together...
We're working things out...
I got no where else to go ...
Look at the good things we do or have done ...
No one notices the good things - but ALWAYS notices the bad. (as if this makes the ass beating irrelevant)

Bullshit.

You can feed yourself this each time you get your ass beat -which might be once a month or every few months or maybe even once a fucking year ... Like it's some kind of asshole holiday where they can black your eyes, choke you or rip your damn hair out. That person may have not been violent with other lovers - it may be just you ... Sad - hard to understand, but a truth. If they have a history of abuse - then obviously it's a pattern with them. Once they learn they can hit you, choke you or beat your ass, they don't stop- no matter how many tears they cry. No matter how nice they seem or what changes you think they may be making or might actually be making. He or she has learned that they can beat you up when shit gets rough ...

They may not do this to another - but your a lost case because you forgave, made excuses and then defended them for beating your ass.

If you have friends and family help you pretend this away - they don't fucking love you enough. Chances are they get their ass beat too and so they think the shit is ok. It's their way of making themselves feel better for what they allow in their own life.

I'm not saying the guy/girl is bad - I'm saying you two together are fucking toxic. If you love a person - you open your eyes and realize the behavior you're letting them do and one day they may go to fucking jail for it and ruin their and your life both. If you're a mother - double fucking shame on you ... You allow your kid to be exposed to this type of behavior - and then show her/him how to lie and pretend it never happened or was justified or just a bad night....

It took me years - years to mend what I exposed my kids to with their dad. I still worry for Tabi - that she may allow her man to harm her ...and make excuses. I ask her every time I see her. I can never tell her,"I'm sorry." enough.

Sometimes people just can't be around each other - more than short stints of time.

If you know someone who is going through this - don't help them by lying or pretending it away. You aren't helping either person, you're hurting them. You're hurting people you love. You just may be helping them get killed....

Think and love responsibly ...

Networked blog ..

2011-07-18T06:29:00.001-07:00

I removed it - so you need to get a google account to follow now.

Making Judgment on a Person Often Reveals….

2011-07-16T16:26:00.000-07:00

Image by Thomas Hawk via Flickr

Value Judgment – an assessment that reveals more about person making the assessment than the actual object being assessed.

Whenever you assess someone, you ultimately are telling others information about yourself. You expose yourself to scrutiny and to subsequent criticism. You’re telling them what you value in a person; what priorities you use to determine praise or dislike … You’re telling them what you use as qualifiers for ‘good’ or ‘bad.’

You’re telling those whom you relate this assessment – a lot about you.

You could be telling people you’re shallow and easily impressed by the cover of a book… or the wrapper of the package. Most people are… They look for basic qualities and social etiquette agreement. Our society has become vague and superficial – breeding children who are vague and superficial. To them this is ‘good’… This is acceptable modeling of a young mind.

Today on a Facebook status I wrote about my usage of expletives. I have no qualms about throwing out the golden fuck you … or any combination of many words considered foul. I understand their relation to my life and their evolvement into my vocabulary … To me they are just words that emphasize emotion. I don’t assign emotion to the word itself…

I no more assign hate or derogative meaning to them than I do the swastika or the confederate flag… They are objects or words … It takes you or I, to give them value.

I’ve always known people use superficial or irrelevant data to make value judgments – which ultimately will tell me what they find to be of more importance …I can honestly say that when I look at you to make a decision on your worth to me – which is what you ultimately are doing, I use different qualifiers.

If I’m looking for family orientated friends – I like to see how they are with their own children.

Are they good moms/dads in that they care for their children, enriching them …

Are they violent, destructive or teaching children these kinds of behaviors…

Are they abusive…

Do they stay involved and active with children…

Do they pay their child support …

Are they nurturing and good natured with their cubs …

Fucking cussing is nowhere in that list – it’s an irrelevant aspect to me … There is certainly more important shit to judge and make an assessment on, rather than my bias of word or their usage of them. I am a deeper person than that… I understand people put on their Sunday best and I need to look for Saturday night. I have had the experience of people who refrain from all sorts of socially taboo behaviors being complete fuck ups everywhere else and a danger to children and even themselves.

Your clean mouth, going to church on Sunday, coordinating outfits & accessories and high cotton perfume … gets you nowhere with me. I look deeper than the cover and surface shit like cussing. I’m going to look real deep and make harsh inquiries. Instead I look at how fair you are, balanced you are… whether you make shallow judgments or deep ones consisting of important factors, are you logical, rational …Do you have the ability to self-criticize, are you genuine when you say ‘friend’ … are you fake? Are you deceptive to others and to yourself even? Do you lie or misconstrue truths to gain materials or etc.? Are you loyal? Loyalty is huge to me … Integrity behind convictions is huge to me.

None of those are shallow … They have content that is of great relevance. We have been fooled into thinking on more shallow content and to ignore the deeper – so that we can exist in the shallow plane of social etiquette and have nothing ripple the water of bias we swim in.

There are people who have bias so absurd and broad – that they find fault in everyone they meet and therefore no one is good enough for them or their children or they have a limited circle – meaning church or certain family members only. I’m one that instead limits my bias, and focuses on important or relevance of my interest. You can tell this by my diversity of friends ….I talk to people from other cultures; I'm exposed to their linguistics, rituals, religions, social or intimate taboo’s…. That trivial shit just doesn’t matter. You realize how absurd it is to judge based on irrelevant and most of the time religious nonsense, like sexuality…or even obesity. Things such as cussing here is common everyday shootin’ the shit elsewhere…. Things considered acceptable here is offensive in other parts of world.

I’m far too intelligent to link profanity, homosexuality/sexuality, obesity and other irrelevant bias to being ‘good’ or to be the determining factor …. I’m delving deeper.

As for kids – whatever happened to talking to them - real talk? What happened to explaining words and usage or time and circumstance? Or here is an ideal… teaching them not to make shallow judgments?

What happened to honesty?

“Gee kids …. Fuck, shit, damn, whore, cunt and so and so on – are words that are not acceptable at work, church and certain social events – including sitting at the G-Ma’s house … However outback , by the oak tree and far from adults who like to be pretentious assholes- is completely fucking acceptable. Much like sex, drugs and other fun shit– I’d like you to wait until adulthood to use them.”

All the bridging and trying to be kind ...

2011-07-16T09:00:00.000-07:00

Has left me vulnerable and thus must end. I ended a majority of it with Jeff's family - I refuse to fucking try with them people ever again. It's like trying to give a blow job to a man with no dick. Nothing is there to neither blow nor suck. You might be able to lick - but it tastes like ass. I've observed enough of Jeff being left out or the kids ... Even by those who 'act' decent. It doesn't hurt me anymore to see pictures or hear of family events. I smile... They never let me down. I like that about them - the predictability. Heads held high as they excuse themselves from being decent human beings... it's a family affair.

Jeff has finally let go as well - how couldn't he when the writing is clear on the wall? His mother has nothing to do with his kids - or our family in whole. She is to Jeff as her mom is to her, and she is to his sister as her sister "Kitty" is to her mom ... She is blind to her relationship with Jeff and his sister - but conveniently aware of her own dysfunctional relationship and the nepotism the family in whole has participated in - which makes me happy I'm not included. I've seen enough of that warped 'reality' growing up.

WTF Did I ...

2011-07-16T08:47:00.000-07:00

Image via Wikipedia

Recently a good friend revealed a sin he committed against his better inclinations and ego. What made this one so interesting to me is that years ago we got into a brutal discussion on ‘fuckability’ and who we’d fuck at moments of desperation, drunkenness, depression, psychotic black-outs, curiosity, boredom …

And yes, sheer fucking stupidity.

He was very defensive and went into a series of ranting – on how discriminative he was … Like Jedi cock, his will was strong- so he claimed. I sat watching as he went through an array of physical emotional display; hands waving; eyes rolling; spit frothing in the corners of his mouth …

What over?

I had made the statement that everyone had a, “WTF Did I Fuck?“ file… This sent him into hysterics of grandeur. Among the words I caught great emphasis on pride…restraint…and of course selection.

Complete bullshit.

We all have driven a moped. A moped is something you’d drive- but you don’t want your friends to see you driving one. They are also sometimes referred to as a fuck buddy – a real down low one. This isn’t shit you’d just shove down to bottom of a hull and smile as you drive past cabbage – its shit you stick in the hatch, under the life jackets, nets and various gear and request they wear camouflage make-up or had the ability to cloak…

This has serious wtf did I fuck consequences… Not a trivial, so-so looking can pass as human and manageable social ramifications type of ordeal. I understand this type of situation – I’ve been there and have a moped of my own, that people, or at least a few know I rode. It’s ok- I’m twisted like that and will most likely write about it in this journal.

However, friend wasn’t.

He was distraught at being seen delivering the moped back to the parking lot of a bar. Nearly suicidal – he had to share the horror and fear of not only the self-realization that a stiff cock has little if any conscience- but that I was right. I think he mostly feared me finding out and doing just this … writing.

Surprise motha fucka!

As you read this – I’m sure you skimmed ahead to see if I used your name or hints – in case you didn’t … I didn’t.

I’m cruel, but not that cruel.

You should consider this a badge – like ones you get at boy scouts for having achieved a goal or learned a vital lesson for life... We’ll call it the helping the sexually disadvantaged. A merit badge … Yes I’m laughing at you.

It’s not really that bad ….It’s just a rite, a ritual … a fucking blight, hahahahaha. Sorry I had to go there. Truthfully, I don’t know anyone who doesn’t have at least one person they had sex with – that they don’t cringe when they suddenly get an unwanted image in their mind. I visit mine purposefully, because I’m fucked up and weird. We knew this already…

Congratulations, you reached a pinnacle of manhood. There are many more. Shrug it off – and next time drop the moped a short distance from the bar.

I'm a mess ...

2011-07-11T06:25:00.000-07:00

Image via WikipediaI just am.

A beautiful mess of thoughts, wants, desires and sometimes some really fucked up ideals on love and expressions of love. I drag along these concepts I have and open myself to criticism by people who line their lap and chest with bibs and cloths - sloths feeding upon a meal they can't comprehend so they devour without considering the flavor and preparation.

I'd choke you - but then I'd have to soil my soul with your bilious taint...

This is what happens when you keep real and you give people an example of uncompromisable self... You leave yourself open to being rebuked, rejected ... and vilified.

Apathy toward reflection becomes sick obsession ...

I don't want to be your love of mental fucks, moans and cries...
tears don't move me to a liquid state of mind anymore...
I'm drunk but sober on the reality of me in tantrum
I'm here but trapped in there - no one taps on my fucking glass without me breaking it to choke them.
fatally sat on my small frame of ego
that laughed as it picked yours to pieces ...

I don't look at glasses as half full or partially empty ...I break them.

2011-06-20T11:31:00.000-07:00

It won't let me sleep
I still hear the water
smell of bleach still fills my nostrils
I still feel small against the background
why didn't I fight
why didn't I run
why didn't I tell
why didn't someone save me
stop me
stop this
stop it
no one heard me
seen me
but did they feel me
must have - I remember their hands
their textures
their strength
I remember a lot of shit I don't want to

If You Were My Cub... I'd...

2011-06-20T05:33:00.000-07:00

Image by Dabe Murphy via FlickrI'd sit you down as you cried and told me how in love you are...

I'd believe you for all the intensity young hearts feel...

I'd hold you as you burned with emotions of many hues - as all of us do ...

I'd listen to you tell me how she loves you, regards you ... spoils you with material goods.

Then as you lay crying in my arms - I'd ask you how much all this has cost you?

What price has your youth paid? What expense of your own - of which there is no refund, have you spent on this self deception?

I'd say firmly - with compassion for your plight, that I love you. When a parent says they love you - it's possibly the only time next to children of your own- or should be, that you can trust those words. I'd apologize for every bad example I had set before you ... every time I did something that lacked integrity, resolve, pride ... or humiliated myself over lust, recklessness ... made poor choices that put your happiness at risk or lowered your view of ethics...

I'm only human and prone to all those hues of the same emotions you feel and also the consequence that follows. You are partly a result of my experiences- mixed in with your own conclusions of right, wrong and the shades between and all that culminates them.

Then I'd tell you the truth.

You aren't in love - you're a young woman who has deceived yourself but who also has been deceived by a very skilled person who deals drugs. I know a lot on this subject - I watched my father do this ...

You see young one - sex is a powerful drug too. There are some who have no boundaries or have come to think of their actions as not being errant or unethical. For them it is normal - a pattern of behaviors they have always displayed or took part in. They surround themselves by those that accept these behaviors. In your case - it's young girls. Surely logic has made you notice the amount of young girls this woman has around her? How can the obvious escape a mind that I know is intelligent and capable of reason and objective observation?

Drugs.

Even if this person isn't the wisest- she is very clever with drugs and the sex they can get her with young women. She has learned - mastered, the art of the addict dependent lover in a child. She is a child molester - a person who seeks sexual gratification with minors. Doesn't matter if they weren't virgins or were drug addicts - which she made them into ... I know some were under 16 or at 16. She is an adult, and an adult is the one in control - something she is all too aware of.

You never had sexual interest in women - never. You were as her others - kids drawn in by the money, the excitement ... the being surrounded by a cast of players she sets in place, and then the star of the show ... the drugs. Why else would you let an ugly, rough looking - nasty person, touch you if not for drugs? She isn't at all what you would have interest in - even if you were to be gay. Gay isn't wrong, a bad thing or sinful- but this event can damage you for a very long time psychologically, beyond your understanding at this time.

Love doesn't hand you drugs that ravage your mind and destroys your youths beauty. It doesn't suck the life from your skin - leaving sores and scars.

You know these things - even with the powerful effect of drugs. You know the truths already lil cub- you fight them and deny them.

Those sores don't lie ... the cost the drugs have exacted from your body, don't lie... They are as visible as your sunken in eyes.

You aren't too far gone yet cub...

Life is still retrievable. Your potential is not lost.

You may not absorb these words yet- you may cry and say I'm wrong.

But when you look into the mirror and see what you have become ... Deep inside the mind - the voice you you block, will whisper ..

It's true.

I'm not your mother ...

If you were my cub ... I'd ...

Fight for you.

Fitting In and Other Bullshit.

2011-06-14T15:25:00.000-07:00

Image by *The Boy From Cerrado via FlickrThere was a brief time I tried to fit in or blend in - during my whole sex, drinking, more sex and siesta from reality side show. It didn't really go over well because certain asshole elements shined through no matter how much I dulled my senses with booze. In the sex aspect I was smart enough to just be silent around him and let and show nothing other than my twat and various body parts - never my mind, unless I was being lewd. It's just the way it is around the locals.

I tried to be superficial - vacant ... Vacant is a very highly appreciated trait among the redneck community in the south. The men absolutely detest a thinking female. Females hate thinking females here... If you are moderately cute and have breasts - well you can just fucking die whore. If they have fucked the person you fucked, thought of fucking , currently fucking and they have or are doing any of the same thing with that individual as well, you're a fucking whore - but them? They are fine, upstanding christian women. They can have a straw up their nose, spunk running down their leg from a night of having a train ran on them in a parking lot, have the nickname 61 flavors - be a drunk even, and still have the gall to criticize and act offended at me being an atheist. Them being passed around by air-boaters and frequent flyers on anyone's cock is a protected function in the community - if they have the 'right' group of friends. Be an atheist and ride the wrong cock ... you can just fucking die whore.

Be intelligent or versed in history, know order of math functions, science or any academia - including spelling and we go back to the previous position of - you can just fucking die whore.

Intellectualism is strictly prohibited. They have accepted the stereotypical definition that has plagued country folk and taken it to revered level. Be arrogant and proud of your lack of knowledge on anything that may cause so much as a ripple in your ideology - and you will not only be accepted into the tribe, but be praised and seen as a true American. Ignorance is a celebrated trait...

Fitting in is a trap - one that will kill your intellectualism, your creativity, your desire to reach beyond social perception of ought ... It will make you a slave to irrationality, to agreeing with concepts or ideology that causes you great internal strife or a cognitive dissonance that will permeate every aspect of your life.

So when people ask if it bothers me I am so different or rejected by people in my community - no. Instead I'm grateful that I'm different and not of a prole mentality. It is crucial to my being and to my health that I not be of this particular tribe - I detest tribalism. I'm from Nod - where country people are diverse intellectuals - perverted ones. I challenge the view of ignorant redneck or country bumpkin and will show you a type of country, a fringe one, that can thrive in an intellectual setting and the woods.

I'm fine with being a naturalistic person and feel no need to shade it with religion to be accepted by a tribe that can't accept me due to their bullshit reasons. It humors me when I can ruffle their feathers and expose their psychosis. It tickles my clit and perks my nipples to know they can't stand me... I don't want them to. I want them to hate me because then they will think on me and learn new subjects, absorb information and grow - just a little.

It's how you teach their ilk ... The 'come around the back way' approach.

Why You Shouldn't Fucking Care What Others Say About You ...

2011-06-13T18:08:00.000-07:00

Image via WikipediaFirst you have to ask if they are of use to you... If they aren't - then ask yourself what use you are to them...

Then fucking slap/stab or throw yourself from a tall building for caring what the fuck they think about you. People mostly act in the best interest of themselves - this is regardless of whatever bullshit religious, goody goody feelings they express to you. For the most they are out to make friends, gain some bullshit type of adoration- no matter how low on the pole that adoration may be. Could be they want to be seen as something they aren't or gain approval from people they seek to impress - including the delusion God.

You might be a stepping stone or the shit they have to kick out of the way to reach goal "b" - fuck point "a."

For the most people start out rational in friendships - this is when being your friend still has advantageous possibility. They may be trying to get in a group of other sociopaths who align better with their bullshit reasoning or whorish ways. People drift to those who share common traits- this can be true whether they mirror one another exactly or just fall in same category but different expression. They might be trying to gain exposure to someone they want to fuck, try to fuck or hope they can fuck but never will - so they just settle for those creepy tight kinda hugs where they press their cock/mound against you.

Pervs, I like them.

You shouldn't care though or believe what they think of you - good or bad, because in most cases it's feeding you bullshit so they can reel in what they really want or need. Don't take compliments too seriously - I'm sure the fuckers have a knife readily poised to stab you the minute they see it will give them a boost on the social ladder.

If they talk about you - just smile knowing that somehow you're helping that miserable piece of shit gain a friend or be accepted into some bullshit tribe of illiterates, coke heads and drunks. You're doing a service to fellow man by helping them achieve their agenda and thus providing the pathetic husk of human some happiness.

40 isn't looking so rough...

2011-06-10T09:41:00.000-07:00

Image by Dave Stokes via Flickr There was a point when I dreaded the 30's...Then thirty-five crept up and the dread advanced to when I near forty. Forty being a mere few years away, I can honestly say I don't dread the 'day'. I don't worry for my looks, or my potential fuck-a-bility anymore ... I just know I'm going to do a lot of screwing, alone or not. I've started to mature to where I appreciate a gentle heart more than I did when younger; to appreciate older men & women and the years of observation and shit they've waded through. The beginnings of appreciating older beauty - a different type of beauty, has sprung.

My fire has intensified - so I doubt that will extinguish with age... Maybe it will be more steady a flame through. While my nature is still the same for the most - I can relax in the light of someones, sometimes sickeningly sweet disposition and no longer want to throttle them. My fingers have released from Tabitha and I no longer feel the need to apologize for the mistakes of past. I can smile at her now and feel genuine doing so... She is beautiful in abandonment of reason and youthful idealism.

There is a lot going inside my plush mind lately ... Things I'm guarding; things I'm trying to sort... But I'm not dreading the changes in myself - I'm excited about them. They are a new event within me - one I plan to thoroughly inspect.

Hillary, the child whore.

2011-06-01T17:31:00.000-07:00

For the past several days - perhaps a week, she has been on my mind. I wonder how her life turned out - if she ever got away from the cards dealt to her by my dad and her sisters... How might her life have been different from what I imagine could have been her fate or what I presume from observation of others who traveled down Moore Sr.'s path.

We were both 12 that summer ...

It was the summer before my dad was finally busted on numerous drug trafficking charges, prostitution and suspected murder. I overheard dad on the phone talking to I assume now to be 'dodie', Hillary's older bi-sexual sister who was one of my dads prostitutes, his 'leader of the pack' bitch. She was a bull of a woman ... very unattractive, but also very tough,willing and an addict. She was also younger than my dad - so he liked the sex. He mentioned Hillary's name and I perked up a little - I hadn't been allowed out of house since I arrived in columbus that summer. I had been kept on a very tight leash - only allowed out with a chaperon- usually one of dads 'whores' who always seemed rushed in the walks to the corner and pressed me to walk faster and often bummed money off me. If they weren't available and he could ... cowboy. He was always the one I wanted-but dad said he had a lot of 'work' to do, which meant beating whores and collecting money for drugs and etc.

My dad was in the dining room- straight down the entry foyer, sitting in his chair watching porn and counting pills with another prostitute he worked, named sissy. I sat in the living room watching TV and waiting for Hillary... thinking about things we could do in my house and away from the assholes. kid shit... girl shit. My dad came into the living room and said I was to go upstairs when Hillary got there and not come down. At the time I thought he meant Hillary & I. Soon, about 15 minutes this was revealed not to be the case. When they knocked, he told me to go up and wait till he said I could come down. It was then I asked about Hillary - which he smiled ans looked at sissy, leaving her to reply, '' Honey no, hillary can't play with you or be around you. She's a whore. She sells her pussy now too - and you don't."

Blunt.

I walked up stairs slowly so I could see her as she passed , we made eye contact, she quickly looked away. I heard them all laughing as they entered into the dining area. I sat at the top - the best place to hear everything in the dining, kitchen and the 'family/porn watching room.'

I can't remember the exact words - but I remember the sound of money. I remember the awkward gaps of silence in Hilary's responses to my dads questions as to how much money she made- what did she charge .. how much to charge and etc. I heard the pill boxes and the sound of him rummaging through them and the small 'thank you' from Hillary.

I remember the panic attack or anxiety ...whatever it was it felt like my insides were hot. I was sweating and raging inside. I got up quietly and went into the bathroom - my face blood red and my eyes were glistening with tears. I wanted him dead - at the same time in that cruel way dogs love masters who beat them ... I loved him. Kids do love their parents when young, even ones who don't deserve that love.

I didn't see Hillary anymore that summer, but once. While walking me to a public pool to swim - Sissy, Dodie, Hillary and another tried to get me to get in a car with a man. I ran so fast through allies, parking lots and between stores - I lost both shoes, a towel and anything not in pockets. When I got home, the only one there was cowboy and I told him what happened. He became so enraged he carried me upstairs and locked me in my room.

I never seen her again and I wasn't allowed outside anymore - even with a person. I'm not sure what he was protecting me from ... because I was exposed to everything by him. This was Dodie's second incident with me ... I guess dad thought they were trying to 'steal' me or etc... I never really got why he did the things he did - maybe in moments of decency? Shame? Selfishness?

I think of Hillary - often.

I think about the night she stayed .. with my dad. I think about her small frame - no boobs and her dirty tennis shoes. I think about her long brown wavy hair ... and our fort we had in the backyard.

I hope she escaped.

I Just Cringed ...

2011-05-27T12:02:00.000-07:00

Image via Wikipediaa little...

I was reading through some old blogs that were written in my, " I fucking hate you, hope you choke on a tampon and die." phase... and I cringed ...

a little...

This isn't a long rant - just a moment of time to say...

WHAT THE FUCK WAS I ON?

More than just dick apparently. NO this isn't about poontang ... I resolved that shit - at least on my end.

I look through my friends lists on occasion or catch a post on homepage and see comments they make ... on others pages. I get slight feeling of revolt at the ass kissing some people do on peoples pages - whom I know they talked so much shit on - or got shit on ...

You need to know ...

You're bullshit. It makes me want to unfriend them for being fucking idiots - so I never have to read their feeds again. Nasty shot out shit expressing their bonds makes me hurl and cringe...

a little.

I can never apologize to my pussy enough...

Toxicity Of Women

2011-05-19T05:52:00.000-07:00

Image via WikipediaIt gets raw...

Through the years I've had a quite a few "fly-by" twatted friends...I've learned a lot about the nature of chics - enough to know I'm rare. I'm not jealous of them, their cooking, their motherhood ... their possessions. I don't care to gossip about who they fucked, will fuck or possibly may fuck or how many they have fucked.
(Note: I was jealous at one time - or maybe just full of deep seeded psychotic hate over an *ex*<-- will avoid that emotion like the plague).

I just don't care...

I don't care of they are skinny, fat or any other physical 'issue' most women - if not everyone of them I know, seem to find relevant and discuss among one another on a rotating wheel. You won't hear me call a chic 'crusty' and then see me smiling, kissing or taking pictures with her... I don't do the fake shit.

The little locals who read that line know exactly who I talk about - she is far better a person than you. I won't hang on them for social reasons or interactions. Fuck that - I'll sit at home. I tend to stay with my man and avoid the rest of the bullshit. I don't need to go to bars or do whatever to 'pass time' so that I can be thick in the middle of bullshit either. Every once in a while I will make an appearance, then excuse myself from sight for a long period.

Jeff has learned not to gossip to me ... He calls someone else or just shuts the fuck up. My chic friends don't gossip to me either - which makes me boring.

Gossip is a beast that consumes most women.

They just can't be happy with what they have and let others do the same. There is a strong competitive drive in females ... one that they will destroy each other in order to 'win' or achieve whatever social gain they hope to make.

Most fail to realize - I don't give a fuck about social gains.

You're irrelevant. My life will go on ... silently. You will be removed, so that you may bask in the glory of the position that socially I have placed you in by whatever it is you have gossiped about me ... enjoy the temporary boost of self-esteem. Self-esteem is a large part of the problem between women- we have so little of that. Everything is a competition... it's a contest to see who has the most cake. Cake being friends, clothes and other material assets and even our men. Cake being physical beauty ... big breasts or beautiful eyes. Someone being smarter or funnier than us - or more alluring. If your man laughs at chic and applauds her sense of humor, which makes you pale in comparison - well then she is a trifling nasty bitch. Age is an issue too ... Never think that someone being older means they are wiser... or less prone to being of teenage mentality. They still possess a pussy and it seems owning one comes with a package of bullshit. An emotional - seething with same-sex hate package.

I don't do well with women... especially in my area. I'm too unique - an acquired taste. First of all, I'm ballsy...I speak my mind untethered by social grace and etiquette. When I say your acceptance of me and my way of communicating is completely irrelevant - I'm being entirely sincere. I cuss a lot ... Even though they can just be wiping the spunk off their chin from a well done blow job to some random guy from a local bar - or have fresh powder on their nostril ...It's somehow worse that I cuss.

I've learned that no matter what they do - how imperfect they are ... I'm worse. Their imperfections suddenly lessen or disappear and a saint with a fucking halo emerges as they dance on their twinkly little toes ...

"She's so ____."

What I am - is so real. I'm a free person. I don't have to like you, care about you or pretend to be your friend so I can hang with your friends... Yes, most likely your man is my friend. He most likely does call me and ask advice or tells me his 'sin'. I probably laugh and we talk about how messed up I am. Get over that and move on - it isn't me he is trying to or is fucking. I'm married and with that comes integrity behind my views on marriage. What another does in theirs is irrelevant to my own.

I like to torture myself with the same bowl of oatmeal year after year... I'm sadistic.

Women are toxic to one another. We are too willing to trip, stab and bury another female, all in order to gain some perceived goal - an ignorant one.

Rarely Am I Sure ...

2011-05-15T10:56:00.000-07:00

Image by Leonard John Matthews via FlickrTo be in doubt is a good thing - it keeps me honest. People who know without - do so with a great deal of self deception and dissonance.

Voltaire: Doubt is uncomfortable; certainty is ridiculous.
We do not posses absolute knowledge... To make a statement which infers we do - is doing so with the clear objective of denying that reality.

So when I say some bitches are tapped out, nasty illiterate asses, who put shine on shit in an attempt to impress people who fucking hate them - I am saying this with a little doubt in the possibility of you not being of the previous listed attributes...

Just to keep me honest... It's important to my sense of self.

When I say someone is possibly the most worn of mind and vaginal orifice - I also say this with a little doubt of it being a false statement.

Just to keep me honest... It's important to my sense of self.

I'm beginning to like the games people play - as I watch from the sideline. They are the muses to my madness - the fucking lovely warped mind of mine. The doors are always open - but the seats are always full.

You fuckers will have to sit Indian legged on the floor.

I could weep - that shallow shit that some chics do...
but fat man on high - pullin' your cotton over whores eyes ...

I ain't carin' about all that bullshit you spread
so damn thin of mind - you barely leave trace ...

I laugh, lock and roll.... on and on
while your foot treads over and over again
mine finds new grass to crush
new fields to lay my ass upon - to let knees kiss the sky

your fists find face...
while lips kiss mine...

strapped in

2011-04-19T07:05:00.000-07:00

Image by Getty Images via @daylifewish it were I could
scream a little dream
bleed a little more
let myself drown in my ~~nature~~
just a slip- a dip
~~the tip of toe...~~
but we know I'd never resurface...

Ego sits- she doesn't listen anymore. She holds both hands over ears and in her comical way, ad libs her life through your eyes. There is no better or sharper a blade than love - it slays in numbers unrivaled. Lay your hand on hilt - pretend it's just a game - a slip of tongue. Pedantic whore of yesterday gone. Bask in your pity - your regalia of self indulgent martyrdom.

Redirection Of Political Thoughts...

2011-04-12T07:39:00.000-07:00

Image via WikipediaThere is a silence - unnoticed by many... The silence is from moderate Americans who know hunger pangs don't discriminate. We aren't concerned about sexual social issues - gay rights, abortion and etc...

Our concerns are for putting food on the table, educating our kids and being able to go to the doctor should we have real need. We aren't concerned for Black/Hispanics/Whites on welfare - cheating the government out of money, that they robbed from working Americans in the first place. We don't care if they are on drugs - selling crack or wearing the contents of a jewelery store. We moderates understand that if the money doesn't go to them, it will just go to the ruling class, not back into our paychecks. At least the drug addicts are in support of a local business. The dealers won't be buying companies in Mexico and employing them instead of us - with our tax dollars. How many dealers got our bail out and then did such actions? I'm a little over hearing "Tim" rant on corporate laws and taxes - driving business out of America - when the fuckers pay no taxes. Companies who rec'd our bailout funds, made record profit .. paid no taxes. Companies such as Bank Of America. Chevron paid less taxes than a man who made only 50k a year. So save me the drivel scare tactics, I prefer reality.

Save me the drivel that employees pay taxes - we aren't talking about the employees - they aren't banking billions. Save me the COMPLETE BULLSHIT of being a hunter, avid outdoors-man bitching over EPA, environmental rights, conservation and etc - you fucking ass... where will you hunt and be an 'avid outdoors-man' if the land is all gone and ate up by corporations and suburban sprawl? Bitching over phosphorus testing and etc - but not giving a damn about the fishermen and their families and our local economy. Some action over no action is good. Stop bitching over land usage and conservation ... and whining over gas and oil on 'sensitive' ecosystems. It's a fucking reality. I support hunting rights and etc- but I also acknowledge there won't be any hunting if no land exists in which to conserve species.

While I dislike the 'armchair' environmentalists, militant vegans and etc - I have to pause for reason and acknowledge truths -one of them being it would serve us best to find ways to protect and conserve/preserve - than to bitch with no back up. If you don't have a plan - SHUT THE FUCK UP and leave it to the rest of us who at least care enough to try and work with the 'enemy'- to preserve hunting grounds - while protecting ecosystems and the species that live within. It's a circle - all depends on the next and the previous. Smart people realize this...

Where are the moderates? Where are the middle ground common sense political figures - a balanced perception of our needs vs the wants? Where is the intelligent representation for rural America? Is the credit card rednecks like Sarah Palin all we get? Is this the best country folks can manage to put on the political pulpit to spew idiocy and misinformation? Make us look like dumb-hillbillies with jug in hand? Is this really what rural Americans support... idiots? Do we really support people who are counter to our economical needs - because of photo ops in camo and holding a gun she didn't even know how to load or shoot? Or men doing photo ops doing the same? Is it really about looks and thin resemblances ( such as they speak with an accent)?

Just so disappointing to think ... fucking "jim-bob" who makes under $11 an hour, in a union - voted Republican and supports republican agenda based on the sound reasoning of his hate of 'niggers' and "they tryin' to take my guns away..."

Fucking dumb-asses. I'm done ranting - now go give leg to your masters.

I'll Be Over Here Mumbling...

2011-03-17T14:39:00.000-07:00

Image by noii's via FlickrCoherently.

I do that with myself often ... Rehearse what should be said- acknowledge it briefly and instead say what I want to say. Some type of social moderation I've fallen under lately ... with all my 'involvement' in positions/ convictions I hold or increase upon with age.

Bullshit.

People are bullshit- they don't value the things they possess and will cast them to the side for frivolous want of acceptance. They let psychic vampires, hoarders of contempt, fence sitters, twat nazi's ... interject their specious word as if they care...

"I wouldn't ever ... " is the pretense to a future fuck over. People who feed off the hurt in your life - are not your friends. They are usurpers- bloodletting you for their own device. Friends encourage a resolving of issues that will keep other relationships intact; keep you safe as possible from harm of yourself or others; work to maintain your health of mind, body and etc. They eat your evil with you - drink upon the good....

They aren't the ones who use a moment of vulnerability to strengthen a personal agenda - those are opportunists. You are a mark on the proverbial "whore-dogs" bed... Though they can be in good prose, literate - seemingly logical. However, further inspection will reveal they are as limited emotionally and intellectually as the games they seek to play with the affections of others...

You're just a pawn to them ... a sacrificial offering to ego's that have no regard for 'ought'...

Journal.

2011-03-15T12:22:00.000-07:00

Image by 100% Anth] via FlickrHaving observed several- including my own, severed or failed friendships, I"m starting to rethink the idea that romantic relationships are the hardest on our "heart". We fall in and out of love or lust... So we have an expectation of those people leaving our lives, or have come to conclude they are semi-permanent. Friendships - even fast created ones, often have the opposite expectation.

A lifetime friend... is a rare find.

The saying, "Men/Women may come and go, but friends are forever" has become a popular epithet on the headstone of many doomed romantic relationships, t-shirts and other "pitty party memorabilia".

I'm jaded and so I think both types of relationships are fleeting. As a result, I keep emotions at a distance. I await the guillotine to fall - I plan for the detachment. I separate and leave you lay - gushing and playing victim; a role many thrive within.

Another year is passing, and with this new ideas form and convictions I previously held on issues - whether social or etc, change. They are deliberate changes to bring an end to areas of my life I feel dissonance. It's a struggle; sometimes I find myself deeply embroiled in a debate with myself on whether I'm reacting from emotion... or from reason. Am I being rational in my conclusions on 'x' subject? That question becomes more difficult to answer in certain areas of intellectual masturbation than others that are more frivolous... I suppose. My lack of belief in deities or rejection of religion isn't questioned- they exist as fixed states of reality.

Motherhood is providing me with some much needed guidance and diversion from ... myself. I'm a nasty lil demon to contend with on too frequent of venture. If I realize this- then so should you. People often want to be lied to - I often like to tell the truth. The two don't mix.

Often.

I'm not in a strange place of mind at least. I wore my welcome out there... My male friends have thinned out and all that remains are ones who don't think that getting married was me playing "hard to get". Content is like death; my grave is strew with wildflowers. Safely I can say, they aren't trying to fuck me or waiting for me to hit a wild spot where I'll be shady and do so ... They get - I'm not going that way, I'm straight up. It's also part of my conviction: not to be bullshit.

I've earned the good friends who remain in my life.

The rest - you have be in the circle to know ...

`

Rant # Who Gives A Fuck.

2011-03-12T09:52:00.001-08:00

Image via WikipediaPeople confuse material possessions with possessing high ethics, morals or individual/pack laws, if you prefer. This behavior is supported by those they come in contact with - who do the same bullshit, thus it has become a disease in our society. The more money they have, or the more ass you feel inclined to kiss - is directly related to how righteous the person is in their social circle. The same can be said in opposite of the poor ... They are seen as immoral, lacking ethics, dirty, uneducated and so forth ...

With an exception from me ... most can't handle that.

I'm not fucking impressed by your 'accumulation' of shit. This causes emotional turmoil to those who are accustomed to being adored, fawned over or exalted by their 'peers'... I"ll treat you just as I treat anyone, usually with pessimism and a smile.

I'm not fucking impressed by your refusal to 'cuss', 'swear', or sit with your cunt flapping in breeze... I know human behaviors and that the ones who act 'prissy' or as if they are 'high cotton' are often the ones who lack the most in ethics or morals.

People confuse being 'good' with refraining from cussing, fucking and etc .... I'm my mind 'good' is a person who tries to help others, is truthful about who they are and what they represent; honest... Someone who gives effort to exhibiting ethics, compassion and tolerance.

You can do many 'good' things while cussing, fucking and etc...

It irks, yes irks me...to have someone tell me about how bad another is, while only pointing out income related reasons to base their opinions on ...

Or because they 'swear' a lot .. .I swear a lot ... A fucking lot. I also do charity drives, walks and lots you'll never see....Because I don't boast. Being a person who spews profanity like spittle from a livestock auctioneer, doesn't take away the 'good' I do or the 'good' person I am. If it does- it's because you are a piece of shit who defines themselves by the wrongs you find in another.

I'm not impressed that you go to church - it makes me think you're a fucking nut who sees/hears voices and believes in an incorporeal realm. I watch you especially close around my kids - religious people kill their children all the time due to Gods words. So I sure as fuck am not trusting you with my 'atheist' ones.

By the way, stop talking to yourselves and calling it prayer... It's self-worship.

All the reasons you feel smug - or use to define yourself as 'good' are ones of vanity.

Humans- as with all animals, are self serving.

Fucking TWIT TWATS!

Nod.

2011-03-03T07:25:00.000-08:00

Sometimes the journey repeats ... You have to re-walk the path to makes sense of the future. You'd think after once again traveling down the road you've been before, repeatedly - there'd be less emotion. Maybe sometimes that's true...

Often - I'm finding, it's not.

I seem to find myself in the same type of familial relationships - over and over again ( I still hate that term.) I must be a glutton for self debasement. Looking at the prominent relationships in my life ... Only my children differ. The rest possess the same bullshit scenarios as the prior. I try to stay away from the variables... Yet here they are, shitting on my mental lawn.

I'm starting to think forgiveness is highly fucking overrated - and a trap. An emotional one.

Hi, I'm Your Official Life Guide. The Honest Whore.

2011-01-28T09:20:00.000-08:00

Image via WikipediaDumb whore?

Pedantic whiner?

Trying to pretend your someone else, while lap diving and going to church with a straw tucked safely in your pocket?

Mutilating your body to appease the sexual desires of someone else?

Stalking someone who sat on the face of someone whose face you sat/sit on?

Have no impulse control?

Delusional about ethics and application of ?

Lie and fuck over friends, family and other important relationships in your life?

I can help you.

Welcome, I'm your guide... Your fucking guide by force.

I'm forced to help you, due to the fact you have no fucking life- other than reading mine and trying (***trying, you're intellectually stunted), to find some way to assemble a conspiracy. Or perhaps, because you're obsessed with the idea you pale in comparison to me - and are developing some freaky fucking 'silence of the lambs' skin wearing agenda.

In that case, you should be aware - that I'm almost 40 and my skin is not as supple as it once was. I don't use lotion, unless masturbating. So while my hands my be soft ( and my labials) the rest is questionable.

You might want to re-consider, freak.

Now it could be you read me or check on me because you've developed a liking to my style of writing or my mind - but hate me, the person. I'm ok with this - as long as you don't go spreading your dysfunctional theories brought on by liquor and jealousy. My pussy being better than yours- isn't jealousy, as much as an acknowledgment of my superiority, in my view of that situation. Thank you for giving this fact recognition and being a good sport. Be sure to spread the good word far & wide - much like your gaping legs.

Physical beauty is only as deep as the skin - you're possibly ugly all the way through. As your guide I can help you attain beauty on a deeper level by becoming an, "Honest Whore".

First step is :

Admit you're a trifling piece of shit.

You might be saying, WHOA! Our first instinct is to protect ourselves from criticism. It's natural we shy away from exposure- especially self exposure. You'll find once you run out the closet screaming the phrase - you'll feel a release, a weight from your mind - a freeing.

Everybody knows this about you anyway - so it's for your own healing & recovery of being a trifling piece of shit. Look at this with positivity...

Second Step:

Admit your desperation for male love and the lengths you will go in order to achieve this.

It's important to admit your pandering whorish nature. Realizing your actions, admitting them- will help you recognize when you're about to suck/eat some guys/chicks cock/twat or fuck him/her out of loneliness. I'm not saying don't do these things - I'm saying don't call friends up and conjure a romance that isn't there... Understand you're a vessel - a 'cumdump'. We've all been there - some cum better than others, but still just cum. Sometimes cum does blossom into love... Just be aware hi/hers cum will go elsewhere when he/she tires of your dumping site. Admit to the fact you're capable of concocting lies, treacherous behaviors, ruining friendships and even marriages to acquire the delusion of love.

Third Step:

Confront your bullshit validations for your behaviors...

This is difficult to achieve. Telling ones-self that your validations and excuses are complete bullshit - is difficult. It's in our nature to rationalize our behaviors and find ways to legitimize being suffocating & sanctimonious.

Or being verbose in defense of our fucked proclivities...via long phone calls, messages, monopolizing conversations and generally speaking - being a vacuous cunt.

I will continue these sessions in a bi- weekly post - so as not to over load you with 'enlightenment'... It is my sincerest wish - or goal, to bring you into the position of no longer being a pretentious, deluded, lying, trifling whore ...

One who can eventually move on from me ...

Creeping In & Screaming

2011-01-26T13:39:00.000-08:00

Image by aldoaldoz via FlickrEmotions sometimes do that - no matter how well guarded we think we may be.

Tip of the tongue - it teeters always, waiting to announce itself into your speech, analogies, allegories ... Your mental lisp, so to speak. Ticking and taking, slipping around your defenses, reminding you like a shamed dog whose nose has been rubbed in shit, "SEE WHAT YOU DID?"

SEE WHAT YOU FELT?

Quickly you turn from yourself - that guilty turn. The turn that tells you you've done a wrong, a bad - a dredging up of feelings you shouldn't have. Like a petulant child whose been fed sugar to often - you sour at the taste of truth, its bitterness.

Puckered lipped and trembling in the grave of your ego - self slain.

Noticeable traits or trends ...

2011-01-13T05:44:00.001-08:00

There are those who get on your page - who after a short stint, decide we aren't of their world views- mostly this happens to me with theists, who then delete us. I've noticed a number of Atheists, have only Atheist friends. Further than that- only keep Atheist friends, who never upset them or their opinions. In other words, they want constant reinforcement and to be praised for the same repeated post by the previous 1000 on our pages. They want to be applauded for each post, no matter how fallacious the reasoning is, no matter how badly they cherry pick or ignore vital counter information - just as a majority theists do in our discussions. This is why I've concluded that man - whether religious or not, is self serving. Theists are not alone in their cognitive dissonance, they have ample company from all beliefs and non-beliefs.

Example: Last night in forum discussion on gun-rights with anti-gun advocates ( a primarily Atheist group) who postedonly the negatives - meaning crimes, suicide and etc. They didn't post the positive - as in how often a gun was used to stop a crime or in self defense , and whether or not this was the greater number. People who were not from this country- assumed on large, that gun ownership was to 'take on' our military in a militia group ; or have never even bothered to read beyond some propaganda site. Ones equivalent to a creationist site on science... I know this because they gave constant links to pages that committed the same fallacies, and fallacious reasoning as they did. The group became irate, that I had the 'nerve', to post such information and question them as to their obvious bias. They became further upset that I asked them to qualify their views with factual data and truths of gun bans, reforms and etc,in other countries. Whether or not laws - were of any significant resolve. Of course they picked countries who were already in decline prior to gun laws - which I pointed out with the countries own statistics bureaus - even gave them crime escalation charts from those same countries on the continued use of other weapons - and guns.

I asked them to explain the causes or plausible causes of suicide - further pissing them off. This requires thought - the thought that banning guns will not end suicide or make it less likely to occur. I asked them other motivations to the crimes- socio-economic ones. and whether the banning on guns will end poverty, or drug use... I was presented with useless, irrelevant data, to further promote anti-sentiment - rather than constructive considerations and honest answers.

It is not the tool - the weapon, that causes hate, depression, drug addiction, poverty, job loss, anger at the government or whatever the reasons, the true reasons why gun crimes happens. The weapon is not the cause of crime , with any weapon, device or etc. So then upon leaving - I was told I was a "logically cold, emotionless objectivist" - and this is why I don't care about humanity.

My parting words?

Yes, I do - more so than you. I'm focused on the causes of crime, poverty, suicide and etc - while your group focuses on nothing but promoting ego and self deluded nonsense... You focus on the tool, rather than issues. In-fact, in my view of the group, they offer no solution and have little regard for the truth, for the lives lost or having any type of real impact on the issues. They want a simple, failed solution- to make them feel better.

It was as if causes of suicide, - murder, - lives saved, - the rest of data , was irrelevant. The only point that mattered was their agenda.

I noticed a few left my page - and that's ok. I despise limited minds who can't handle opposition and need constant ego stroking. I don't want people on my page who never want to disagree - or want everyone to applaud them for the views. Being an atheist is not the equivalent of being sane - nor evidence for ...

People, or we as group, tend to put much significance on the difference of a theists mind in comparison to our own. It's been my conclusion for years now - the only differences are :

One believe in deities or religion.

One doesn't.

One may possess a schizotypal disorder.

One doesn't - or not as prevalent.

One is guity of metamagical thinking.

One isn't.

Both are guilty of the same cognitive dissonance - on different subjects. Both are prone to use emotional pleas, irrational scenarios, irrational argumentation, generalizations - whether on gun owners or Atheists, Christians and etc...

Now some are angry at me - because I have compared them to Creationists. Some, have written to say they never looked at themselves that way - but now see how I could say so.

As a result, I won't debate the subject with my Atheist friends - due to the fact, it changes my opinion on Atheists in whole. Atheism is not a trade mark of leftist views - we vary and are diverse in political thought.

I think.

I hope.

The majority of Atheists and etc, on my page align themselves left or liberals. It has become my view that mostly these groups do so to counter what you feel is an agenda, or supported view of the right. This is regardless whether it is true or not. This is the same behavior seen on the right.

Freedom should not be a divided issue - an us vs. them mentality. Unfortunately , it's a concept of division, that is promoted on both sides- media wise and by Americans themselves.

We are self- serving - no matter if you try to paint your view as socialism, communism, capitalism or for the better good of all man. Regardless of what system you adhere or promote.

Jared Loughner - The Usually Rational, Now Irrational.

2011-01-11T06:32:00.001-08:00

I'm disappointed at all the bias and accusations being aimed at Republicans by Democrats, Liberals and etc. I'm even more disappointed at my Atheists friends, who usually can see through flimsy thought processes, bias, irrational and irresponsible conclusions... But as with Christians and perhaps all humans, we are blind to our own. Your hate, yes hate - for the right has led you to hasty generalizations and fallacious reasoning.

Jared Loughner is mentally ill.

A person with what I suspect his illness to be - will grasp at ANYTHING to fulfill a delusion. It can be a completely disconnected image, set of words - person even, and the mind will create a link. The mind, will create a conspiracy. Having a sister who his seriously mentally ill - I've witnessed her do this myself. I've witnessed others in my journey, do the same.This is not to be overlooked so that you can pedantically post tripe on the violence of the right and 100's of posts of Sarah Palins cross-hairs image - that your MIND created a link to the murders in order to CREATE your conspiracy to fulfill your agenda.

You don't even know the fucking facts- like a person trying to defend God or Jesus, who hasn't read page 1 in the Bible. You assume in order to fulfill or justify your political rhetoric. It is biased, it is irrational, fallacious and outright a hasty fucking jump to conclusion. One you have no evidences of other than copying and pasting 'verses' like a theist does, but on what Tea Party people have said or done.

Yes there is violent, vitriol speech in this world - I've read it on all sides. whether it be thinly veiled or very open in its intent. Free speech allows the freedom to express oneself - whether we like or agree on content. There was a time when parents were suing rock stars, for imagery or words in songs- they said inspired their teen to commit suicide... Or kill people.

People, not just the mentally ill , will find ways to justify and to express their violence, conspiracies and etc. Including using whatever vice, tool , gadget and etc - they can.

I guess it's easier to succumb to limited thought - to make rash conclusions based on bias, than to give it critical, honest thought. For some, not for me. No, for me, I have to apply the same thinking skills, the same rules, thought processes , logic, reason - removal of emotional plea, that I apply when in other discussions or topics of interest.

Most of your are grasping - greedily, without knowledge on the mental illness & on his actions - without regard for truths. You should be deeply ashamed of yourselves. All your HATE speech , yes hate speech, is well exhibited in your posts. The same speech you lay at the Republicans feet, you're guilty of yourself in most cases. If not hate speech , then you're guilty of purposely setting out to puke propaganda, lies and misinformation.

This is why I reject both sides - both sides are guilty of the same shit, different modes of transportation. Now you can return to posting your 'empathetic' pleas to lessen hate speech while using hate speech ...and irrational posts on gun rights and etc ... That you pull out your ass with your 'let's put the world in a bubble' mentality.

A Year In Review - I'm Slightly Cunt-ish.

2011-01-01T14:00:00.000-08:00

Image by doug88888 via FlickrGrowing older isn't for the weak...

I have a new respect for my elders, in that they survive their own bullshit, introspective interrogations and genitalia.With your physical changes come mental changes - sometimes for the better, and sometimes for the worse. Change comes none the less, and you must be prepared or be dragged along until you can once again regain your composure. Some of us have developed a taste for being dragged and battered by our own refusal to accept change. We wear our scrapes, bruises and afflictions as art and scream out into the public square, " Come look at me, come give me pity."

Some art is not for public consumption, to beseech pity. It's art that can't be hidden by our layers. Not to be flaunted, or to gain sigh and empathy - their art is to share with others a journey of choice and consequence. This art is to show the less lit nature of man, and the human condition.

In my reflection for this past year, there has been many changes. Some I boldly took on, some I hesitated. I have invited others into my mind- been rejected for the revelation. There have been 'friends' who were not ... There has been loss, rewards and moments when I could have held back - but chose not to. While I don't like to give up on people, I accept that there are those not meant to be on my journey with me. Also I have had to accept some are to remain in ignorance or in a bigoted state - perhaps as an art. An art that shows us aspects of ourselves that we can improve on - to remind us of what failure to evolve, to reason or change, looks like. To not be its mirror - to instead be both the painter and the canvas, and lay before us a new purpose.

There has been great passion in my views at times- which infuriated many passive aggressive males with latent homosexual tendencies. It's my opinion their life would be happier if they admitted their hate for women and deep love for other males. Then again, I wouldn't wish that on my homosexual friends. It seems logical that males and females should get along, when mutually attracted to the opposite sex. However, I have learned otherwise on the river and surrounding locality. Many think I'm just being a cunt when I say things like that - I'm not.

Just slightly cunt-ish ...

I truly do think you are slightly 'tinkerbell-ish' .... Whey else would men be so covetous of one another and be so desirous of being drunk on the river - at night, alone ... with men? Don't get angry at me for pointing out the 'shoe' might fit. Besides, the way the majority of them talk about women shows malice/contempt for the female sex. I've never once heard a man who truly loves women, sex with women - just everything about a woman - talk derogatorily about them. It's my view these 'women hating' males punish the females for their inability to come out the redneck closet and express perhaps their true sexual orientation.

A simple, but secure man, can embrace an intelligent woman and not be threatened by her mind or incensed at her intellect. However there are also the kinds of simple men who are every threatened and aggravated at a woman who speaks her mind, drives a boat or whatever, they are insecure. To those men, I say this :

You need to fuckin' hand over your cock & balls - you're no man. You're a pathetic pieces of shit, masquerading as men. If you think women don't belong out on river or driving airboats - it's further proof of your sexual orientation and level of intellect.

Yes - this is how I see you , slightly cunt-ish , but accurate in my opinion. Just in case you wondered...

I've learned a lot, and let go of a lot this past year ... Healed a little, screamed a little and learned to love in a different way. I've had my moments of a mothers heartache, a lovers hurt, a daughter's tears and sisters rebuke. I've strengthened, yet softened my views- safe guarding against zealotry in myself. I've come to peace with some childhood memories - though I'll never forget them. My minds heart is still encased and impenetrable by certain types of feelings- not sure if I'll ever open up that again - hopefully I never have to... That may sound limiting or sheltered - but I have no regrets on the protections I've put in place- I'm healthy.

I've expanded my mind to include new people and ideals... New experiences and contrasting opinions ( of which I crush) ... But shrug, none the less, I have.

I've been boorish and rude. Other times so sweet it's sickening and I literally feel my hands rising to choke myself. Smile. I've been a mix of many - interesting emotions and behaviors. I've been sexual and abstinent ( Jeff never gives it up ; expressive and inward dwelling - at same time.

I reevaluated my understanding of friendship and what I'll accept in them - nothing short of loyalty. Lost a ton of dead weight, gained all of it back in my thighs... sigh.

All in all - I've survived. A little - more verbal, less visible to outsiders.

I've learned to smile wider - speak my mind more vicious and unforgivably. After all - it's all about worth , and I determine that worth. If you didn't make the cut , it's because you weren't worth the bleed.

Things are as they've always been - I'll be talking to the moon, telling only the dark my ... my dark.

You can't hurt -what you can't access.

Junkie

2010-12-21T09:52:00.000-08:00

Image by B.A.D. via Flickryou are cheap representation of a perverted spoil
manifestation of my sickened indulgence
slicked and malodorous
head to my loom
weave you a lie
taker of all
leave not a sliver of me to be found
if it were that as a disease, I could cure you
inoculate the me that bleeds ....

I'd habitually abuse the syringe.

My Words Of Solstice For Family & Friends

2010-12-21T05:50:00.000-08:00

Image by JKönig via FlickrInstead of cards - I decided upon my own written wants for you ...

I want the best of all realities for you ...

I want your minds eased, all worries to fade - even if just for a day.

I want love, hope, health and the warmth of open palms to be with you , not just a day- but forever.

I want your children to travel not as we have - but lessened of strife; to know good things; to know hope; keep their resilience and remember kindness, charity and a helpful set of hands to comfort you when old.

I want for you -both space, and peace of mind, in who you are - your purpose.

Many of you have been friends for quite a space of time - you have watched me at my lowest, comforted me when I was angry and called me out when I was irrationally cruel. You have seen me smile, some have seen me cry - all have seen me be cold. You've seen in motherhood and seen me spiraling into skankdom- happily. You've seen me in love, and seen me deeply entrenched in hate.

You've seen me many ways - and remained my friends. This is true friendship.

Family - I use this word in limited supply, there are so few I call my family. You have seen me possibly at my worst - beaten down and locked away ... Sometimes I stay locked away , it's easier to mind my tower ...

I love you with all that my minds heart can achieve, even the few who talked shit and stabbed my back - deep inside, that "child'' remnants - loves you , but hates you too.

To all else- I thought for while before I decided upon posting this ...

Do I include - even if fleeting, those I've shared my body with ? Some have been games or lies - some I had more serious intent. I gave them space of mind today to say :

There may have been a time when I wanted you to inhale a tampon and suffocate - but no longer do I want this or any other horrific, bloody, violent, torturous................event.

Instead I want for you to be healthy, happy and moving forward with life; to find yourself surrounded by love and by new purpose or a redefined one ... I want your children to be center of all that you have and will have - to be healthy, hopeful and resilient. I'd like to think you're still wild hearted - though I know we grow from girls to women , boy to men ... However, I keep a piece, just a sliver of the girl, I hope you do same for the boy.

To all the women I know who hurt over love ,

I want you to be healed and find love that is forever and will comfort you all the days of your life. Passion and lust are wonderful - but more so than those, is consistency in their appreciation of you and what you do for them. There are many kinds of love - my want is for you to find the kind for you. The kind of love you know will be there when you sleep, when you awake - and as you change and grow older, wiser ... and a little more hippy :)

To the men, love who loves you - whether she be a size 2 or 12 or more... Love the one who does for you what none other will . She is worth the time, dedication and loyalty. Open you eyes to see 'her'. She may be a little worn, a little tired and looking a little frumpy - but love does wonders for a woman in that shape. Love a momma - they need it most.

Just a mention ...

2010-12-13T13:04:00.000-08:00

Image via WikipediaI've come to the conclusion that some, regardless of knowing right from wrong- will set out to act in ways that are contrary to the life they espouse. They will claim moral or ethical superiority by way of a religious or political belief, but then exhibit as evidence their lack of moral or ethics. Recently while on a local forum for air-boaters, I attempted to invite them on a toy drive for children in Brevard County who are both without home and gifts for the holidays. While on this forum it came out I was an Atheist, it also came out I wasn't conservative. I was labeled a liberal whore - when I'm closer to being Centrist/Moderate.

When I engaged in discussion , I was attacked by a political conservative zealot- who was given free reign to carry on such behaviors. I admit I fired back - and strongly. This was unexpected and unacceptable of me, by the men on the forum, who dominate and where women scarcely ever join in discussion. No matter the horrible things they said - I was wrong for defending myself. A Liberal whore, doesn't have such rights or isn't allowed such dignity- though Jesus Christ showed love & acceptance to them even ( they claimed Christianity). I had finally reached the point, I had enough of the of the small , uneducated, illiterate, racists - that I left them with one final post that gave them a dismissal so brutal - I was banned.

This does little - you can create an email an rejoin. However I didn't - I have no use for trash . I throw mine away.

Of course this was harmful to the toy run - and of course they didn't come. So here these people who were claiming a moral high, to be 'better' than me by way of their political dissonance or religious views- punished children who were in need. Not only not attending, but being on the river at the same time and riding the other direction. This is how they exhibit their superior ethics, their humanity ... their compassion.

These are the types of behaviors, should they ever need their community to rally behind them for air-boats rights, curfews and etc - the community will remember . I know I will - and I'm a dangerous pen to have not like you. But lucky for them- I'm not a low life, as they have shown to be. The ones who did attend - those ones had compassion regardless of political or religious ideology. I'm sure the one came to see what kind of turn out it had ... perhaps on the inside smiled at actions of his 'clique.'

The things about it is - it didn't hurt me. I'm going to be me and do runs, charities and etc. I'm a better person than they are - by leaps. No, they didn't hurt me, they hurt children who had no part in the exchange of words by others and myself.

There are other groups out on river - who are part of other clubs who do many wonderful things for the community, and seem to be of a more educated class of people. Those people have my respect - this particular forum and it's owner do not. I will still do silent work for folks - give them my time , my words and write on their behalf to the state and local governments.It's my nature to be giving that way, and to be involved passionately in my interests.

I'm sure some sat around and said -' We showed that godless bitch ...'

No, you didn't. You showed others - that this godless bitch cares more for her community and the lives of others, than you.

You showed that this godless bitch was better than you ...

You showed that this godless bitch was right that you were petty pieces of shit...

You didn't hurt me - you hurt little kids who we were trying to help, I guess if there is a win in that :

Congratulations.

It's certainly not one I'd be wanting - but then, I'm a better person.

Past Tense Doll

2010-12-10T19:25:00.000-08:00

Image by »grahamblackall via FlickrI'll lay there with you ...
Look into the reflection from the glint in your eye,
Of the girl I was, but time has made me no more...
I'll whisper, "I don't care...that sweet little lie made me smile."
We'll talk about what never was - like long lost friends ...
Embrace-but awkwardly, I don't fucking know you anymore.
You can pick at my threads, watch me unravel ...
Flick my skin and see my layers...
I'd let you do anything- just as I let you do nothing ...
I'll be silent as you decide to where I'll lay ...

Until we do this all over again.

I don't fucking know you anymore... But I'll still wait - because I once did.

I used to love you ...

2010-12-04T16:41:00.000-08:00

Image by PIYOYI via FlickrI still do - kinda.

It's been so long since I seen you, I can barely remember the outline of your beautiful, erect and ethereal form. Well...sometimes. If my mind had to draw you, it'd be flaccid and pale. In moments of recollection- over and over again(I hate that fucking term, yet I use it anyway) I see you there- tall, proud and frolicking in the pasture with your two best friends or what appears, at times - possibly drunken fancy - to be one large, dimpled friend - that I rested my chin on when weary...

Now I gaze at you in clips of dreams... Those dreams don't always go pleasingly- they sometimes end in great acts of disgustingly depraved violence.

But - I always say I'm sorry after, then tell you I love you. I'll write you pretty words - soft , cushy shit... Until I dream again.

Sucker.

So I've Been Told...

2010-12-04T16:11:00.000-08:00

Image via WikipediaI'm an asshole...

That only an asshole could handle being with me - both crossing out the others 'foul asshole-ness'. True enough - when I look back at the other two relationships in my life, and now .... All three are in fact - assholes. My friends are, assholes. My cubs - assholes. My pets - assholes, that shit a lot.

My life is inundated - with assholes.

Asshole ; an inappropriately or objectionably mean, inconsiderate, contemptible, obnoxious, intrusive, or rude person. ( 99% of population)

Or what has become the most common definition: a person who doesn't put you ( you users of the word assholes) above themselves. We 'assholes'... generally define our own happiness. We don't care about your clique's, your money, your bullshit lie of a life or your acceptance of our sex lives, exes and et al. We're not waiting for your approval.

You just don't fucking matter...

You can sit and discuss us assholes...Just know that while you do - we assholes are probably drunk, high, enjoying our lives, screwing ( some of us assholes don't), doing unmentionable things, really unmentionable things, disturbing unmentionable things ....

...and most likely to you, your mother, sister, wife, husband or family pet. If we aren't, please stand outside in bright, easily identifiable colors...We assholes will be along shortly ... or at some distant point in time.

Crotchless underwear/panties or no underwear/panties preferable.

Mingling In My Spit

2010-11-24T16:36:00.000-08:00

Image by coincoyote via FlickrI'm not gonna lie -
I pretend you a candle and I snuff out your flame...
Not gonna say I don't smile;
or let my inner child kick you while down...

Not saying I don't curse you ; hate you or want to rub your nose in shit from time to time...
There's no omission of the angst your name causes;
or the way I let my mind unravel in a filthy thought...

Not saying I don't get you; understand you or that I fucking care.
Not even trippin' on the lines we casually say when lost for word...
Theres truth when I say, I don't know whether I'd fuck you or choke you ; or which I'd enjoy more...

So much emotion can be had in words... So much revealed, yet hidden or ripped from intent. All I know is I experienced, I experience me ...

Sometimes that bitch ain't right...

Random Life Scat

2010-11-23T11:29:00.000-08:00

Image by HarshLight via FlickrPeople are what they assume themselves to be - only when fucking sleeping. The rest of time we're just an obnoxious example of our failed potentials and skewed thought processes, which all want to jerk off our Id. We dress as low class drag queens, in our ghetto pageantry of bullshit idealism, parade it around as if we're unique. Patent, package and distribute ourselves ...

News flash motherfuckers...We're not a message in a bottle, with poignant purpose...

We're viral...

Our ideals, are contagions. We infect purposefully ...

Love.

Is another affliction I avoid - on that deeper, psycho "stab you in your sleep", so no one else can have you type of thoughts (or ninja with napalm- I'd get the whole fuckin' clan with that) ... However, I was asked, and didn't reply to someone due to conflicting ideals on the subject. Maybe I'm just not wanting to pay past mind-fucks tribute.

I have several excuses - excuses, I can give for avoiding that message. All eat my inner sanctum of tranquility , aka - denial, equally. Debating myself , whilst masturbating myself on the topic- prudishly Victorian( in mental chemise and whispering all whore like, "deliver me from vaginal servitude and the devil of desire").

Also it feeds the hens in past coops of psycho sexual drama ...

Love- it remains despite all ... I think it a lie to say you loved- but love no more. It's dishonesty. Jeff, even though we've had kids, married and all that gap of events - still loves, will always love, his first love... Different types of love come along and those loves will remain also, hatefully so, in my case. There will always be a set of emotions within me, that I don't regret. I may hate that they exist... but not the feelings themselves, nor the person. It's part of that whole "maturity" thing... or some shit.

Religion & Politics

I'm convinced you will be hated more, in the south ( ?), for being any other political philosophy, other than Conservative Republican. You can blaspheme, burn a bible, choke a nun, screw a pastor, hang upside down crosses in your yard ...

But don't attempt to besmirch their true God, the GOP.

You will be black listed (as if you care) ...By individuals who can't even spell "Republican"... Or whom you suspect sign their name with an 'X' and are closet queers. Not that being queer is bad - just come on out the closet, so I can see your camouflage "Tinkerbell" flip-flops. I've never met a more sensitive group of males than I have in the past few months, on local forums. It's disappointing to find manhood- so dead weighted by ignorance. Can't we agree to disagree, and you still send me naked photos ?

*smile*

The Bloom

2010-11-19T06:36:00.000-08:00

Image by KennethMoyle via Flickr

We cannot help the poor, the hungry, the abused ...
When we reject or show a bias toward our own.

We, cannot continue on an empty stomach, to allow others sustenance, when soon we also will starve. It is not selfish to bind ourselves first. It is not morally or ethically wrong to stop and rest our limbs - when we have been drained of all strength. To provide for our re-composure. How can we carry another when our children, will be left standing ?

How will we help, when we have exhausted ourselves beyond repair ?

How will we diminish, the cries of other nations when we are deafened by our own ?

We lie to ourselves and say, " Not, I." ...

When we see the history of once powerful nations - now in ruins, impoverished ; war embedded in every eye, every tear ... at small hands clasping metal triggers... and say, " Not, I."

When we will cease to deny what is true - what is evident through our own eyes, our intellect, our reason... and accept our nature and say, "Yes, I ... ? "
This isn't a fucking nursery rhyme...
Is it because you see them in gowns that sweep sand floors ... Or that they do not look as us ; talk as us ; live as us ... that they are...
"They," not us... Not yet ,to you. But, yes to me; I see our dresses sweeping the floor.

Is it because you see the children on your plasma screens, dead and wasted potential - left like litter, that you have become so desensitized toward the realities of life ? To the fragility of the moral compass ... To the horrors we are capable of?

Do your eyes not see the trail that has been cut - thick and wide ? Can your foot not feel how worn, and comfortable that path has been made by so many another nation ... By the feet of so many others ?

To me, you seek a welcoming shove into the weapons of war, of intolerance, of death. To me, you seek out annihilation of the human spirit - to in its place have horrific examples of life sewn into the binding of religious manuscripts. To do like those nations once did - and now live in the pages of them.

Their beautiful flower- once coveted, has spread its root far and has risen new faiths of misery. New flowers that are resilient and bloom on and on, and on ... Vibrant and deadly, killing all others .

You sit beside them ; you breathe the fragrance... You collect the petals, to adorn your ethics .Your house, smells of them. Your skin, is permeated with effects of the bloom. Your breath, blows the fragrance into the words, goals and dreams of our nation.
You kill with the beauty of life, with your faith.

As a nation, we need to heal ; to rethink our path and then change course... We need to remind, educate and seek truth in ourselves, and in what we see and experience to be real. Not what we vainly hope of us, but instead know of us.

By that, I mean what we are capable of - what we as a nation, as a people who have strong adherence to religion, the extremes we continue to indoctrinate, to sow our seed and rise our blooms, to acknowledge and protect ourselves, from ourselves.

Not become ... "they."

Time to weed our yard; heal our sick, feed our hungry and repair the minds... So that, we can be of benefit to others who have let the blooms over extend their garden .

Purpose Without End

2010-11-19T04:42:00.000-08:00

Image by kevindooley via FlickrIn my opinion, life's strength is found most in contrast of patterns. The contrast of a lighter color against the darker; the softness of one hue to the harshness of another. We seek out these differences to discern meaning, function and relationship to many cause and effect in our, what seems to be, chaotic life. From nature, patterns emerge out what seems to be disorder, but even in chaos there is order. People will often say I'm chaotic, or seem to be in disarray, or outside patterns in social behaviors...

I am well in order, to what I have purposed, for myself.

Perhaps my purpose, self-determined, is not standard lie. My purpose- or truth, instead is admitting my human nature. By standard lie, I mean the self righteous, deprecation and subjection to deistic belief. One destined or preconceived by an all knowing being, who sits idly by, and awaits the day we die, so we can praise the being all of eternity. How cruel it would be, to believe that this being(s) knew that as a child, I'd be abused or molested. That this being knew of millions of children, who'd be raped, sold and murdered without end.

I could never watch such events occur in my own child's life, and not give my own, to defend theirs. I'd never match that image to one of a father, husband or any type of role that would, without hesitation, intervene in my life or the lives of those he loves. It's a false comparison.I could provide a myriad reasons for validating my non- belief, that's not my purpose.

Others have taken that function as theirs, and sometimes our purposes combine, and mine seep into theirs or reversed. We combine our thoughts, our emotions on subjects of profound matter, our passion for knowledge, and horror at human beliefs.

My purpose, self-determined, is to live truthfully, as a representation of myself ; to speak boldly and without fear; to express my beliefs, or my ideals on ought. Not to suspend my ethics, morals or compassion, in order to possess a want, or to avert from knowledge, so that I might pursue a belief.

My purpose is to laugh, fuck, breed, cry (hopefully not a lot), sink low, rise high, nurture, be cold, be angry, happy, to walk away, run to, to love, love again...

Softly kiss my child's bruised egos, scrapped knee's and help them thirst for knowledge.

To er and correct.

To reach out, or push away...

My purpose is redefined with each day I wake, never stagnate. There is never a point, where I will say I have reached the end of purpose. No, purpose will one day have reached the end of it's need for me...

I'm not saddened by that knowledge. Instead, I'm relieved to know that one day, another purpose will succeed mine and theirs by another, then another, then another...

Purpose without end....

So I've been lazy on editing...

2010-11-18T07:05:00.000-08:00

Image by {-Maria-} via FlickrYes. I will get to the chore, eventually. I started, I stopped. Editing is a bore, however, I will resume...
At some point... When I care.
Yawn.

By the way , all my poetry or 'crude' writing is sent for copyright, under lyrics, these days ( actually has been for well over 2 years) . It's cheaper, $30.00. I suggest this for others...

Issues That Should Never Be

2010-11-17T14:31:00.000-08:00

Image by Lori Rivera via FlickrDaniel had promise.

Daniel was intelligent, talented, and the top of all his subjects.

Daniel left college and joined the military, to help his mother & sister, after his father died by a tragic accident.

Daniel served his country, in the military.

Daniel went to war.

Daniel left alive.

Daniel returned dead at 24.

From all this, the only thing most will remember, is Daniel was gay.

They won't tell you he won state championship in wrestling. They won't tell you held trophies for numerous hunting titles in his county for both solo and father/son hunting championships. They won't say how he worked hard to make sure his father's money for college, was well spent by insuring he made top averages. They won't say how he kept a night job, while in college full-time - to give money to his sister for child support, when his nephews father gave none. They won't say how Daniel volunteered on weekends, in-between working, at food pantries and homeless shelters.

They won't tell you how he helped his 'brothers' in service through hard times of separation from their children or soon to be born children...

They won't tell you how he loved his nation, how he felt about his service, about his countrymen...

They'll just tell you... he was a fag.

They'll tell his life, his sacrifice for this nation of claimed 'freedom', was nothing...

They'll tell you he was a deviant, a sinner, a pervert, a cock sucker, ass pirate, queer...

They won't tell you he died fighting protecting his unit, when they had a weapon failure in heavy combat...

I will.

His family will.

His brothers in arms will.

But you ? No, not you. You'll, from the comfort of your home, talk about him as if he was nothing...

While you have done nothing...

But you ? No, not you. You'll talk about how disgusting his sexuality was and how it must have felt for his brothers to bunk with him ..

They will...

They felt safe knowing their brother would lay down his life for them, as they would him.

As he did, ultimately.

Poverty, war, disease, genocide and the horrific consequences of both man and natures wrath - doesn't care about your sexual preference.

A bullet from an enemy, doesn't care whether you are gay or straight. When you are under siege and you see all your dreams passing as bullets by your very eyes, you don't stop to fucking wonder, if the person firing is gay or straight, or if who is covering you is gay or straight...

You're thinking about survival...

The grave don't care when you enter it, whether your gay or straight ...

Shame on America, and Americans who let sex be of more importance than the life lost serving to uphold this nations principles of freedom and equality.

We can't even give it to our own ...

RIP Daniel, Love The Lobe.

Love you, Jane.

This is just my way of saying, it never mattered.

You Reek Of Weakness

2010-11-17T11:17:00.000-08:00

Image by penetratedlobe via Flickr

Having 'friends' and then 'friends' from various political beliefs, some who I infuriate at times, I've come to conclude I'm more tolerant.

For example, I have on my home page: 24 posts of right wing political subjects in statuses , 6 people who daily post bible verses, I'm sure they themselves don't read...

I have 4 people claiming they live for God or Jesus is the Lord, and 7 on Atheism/Secularism and the rest fall into app posts, science, literature, philosophy, history and human emotions on love, hate and etc...

I've never deleted a right wing extremist (no matter how tapped they are), a Christian or anyone for their religious or political beliefs. I have though had many who have deleted me due to their inability to coexist with differences of opinion, religion and lifestyle. I can discuss politics and even get into a nasty discussion, leave it and leave it,.. deleting never crossing my mind, until I sign back on, seeing they've removed me as a friend. I'm never disappointed by that anymore, I've come to accept the Republicans, especially religious ones, are highly emotional & immature in handling opposing views.

They can be drunks, coke or meth heads - an occasional user or hardcore, fuck outside their marriage or have loose ethics of who'll they'll spread eagle or spread eagle for ... Carry on in all matter of behavior not conducive to the tripe they spew in their political rhetoric or irritation at me being an Atheist, yet sit smug in condemnation, bigotry and hypocritical stances...

They can say ' all women are whores, but your mother or mine'...or some other phrase they've attached sentiment, that's very derogatory of a woman...But don't you dare question their manhood! That's unacceptable.

Through all their political and religious cognitive dissonance, I've never deleted 1 of them, no matter how offensive they've been...

Weak people are to the detriment of intellect.

This is why I support Euthanasia...

Truth shall set you free, assholes...

2010-11-17T06:26:00.001-08:00

This is proof that a percentage of the 'community' can't let me go... When a voice of reason

finds you ... Speaks to you ... You can't.

You can continue to view my blog, hopefully learn and grow into your nut-sacks ... Maybe, just maybe...

One day, you'll have the set of balls I do, or at least come close to the size

of my mental phallus.

Revolt, it makes me giggle.